Thanksgiving

Well, I just got done schooling all the men in the family on what it feels like for Bethany to kick their butt in air hockey. It reminds me of the bonfire we had at someones house for the youth group. Back when I kicked everyones butt in ping pong : )
Especially Justin. He really isn't good at ping pong!
I know that a lot of people have a hard time during the holidays. It just seems that I put so much pressure on myself to put on a "good face" and act like nothing is wrong, when there are so many things wrong in my head sometimes. I;m not certain that anyone else has these expectations of me, but I have them of myself.
This holiday, more then the last few, is reminding me of all the mine field filled holidays that we spent with my mom's side of the family. I don't know why. The uncle and aunt that strife is with, aren't here. Everyone seems to be having fun and doing ok.
So why am I so bummed out?
Why can't I shake this?
Is it as simple as I don't have anyone to spend the holidays with? I'm thinking no, because I would probably just be irritated with them too.
Why is it that I feel so lonely sometimes, in the midst of all my family? Why is it that I would give anything to not feel so lonely, and yet, all I do is retreat beacause sometimes the slightest human interaction is so incredibly painful?
I just don't know.
Ruminating on it is just making me feel worse. So I'll go stuff the feelings away with some food. Gain some more weight so I have excuses for not socializing, and spending money on larger clothes.
I am thankful. I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my ability to have this time off to spend with them.
There is just something missing, and I don't know what it is.