I'm finding

That my gut reaction to this fear and sadness is to curl up into a fist and strike out at anyone that I can reach. I don't want to do that.
I received a lovely phone call last night from d. Just to say hi, how are you. I ended up blubering on the phone for about half an hour, and then I disintegrated into anger out of frustration. Being sad and fearful makes me feel weak and vulnerable. So I try not to feel that way. Instead, I curl up with the stone of anger that I've re-hung around my neck and settle in for the winter.
I don't want to be angry. I was angry enough for so long that I've more then used up an appropriate allotment of anger for my lifetime.
Yet, I've colored my hair black, I painted my eyes black today to match the mood in my heart.
Anger gets me nowhere but alone, no where but more frustrated and more sad...which leads me to up the anger ante.
I hope it stops soon. I don't have the energy anymore to be so angry.