Some days it's heavier.
Heavier to hold this wondering if I'll ever even out.
If I'll ever stop wondering when the other shoe will drop, when you will leave, when your lies (because I believe they exist) will come to light.
Some days it's harder to believe that it will all be ok and it will all work out in the end.
Some days I have to cling to hope and His promises so tightly I can't feel my heart anymore.
Because I believe this will all be redeemed. I believe that this will all be used for my good and His glory.
Some days I just need to remind myself a little more so I can swing my feet out of bed and face the day knowing my doubts will scream at me from the minute my eyes open until they finally shut again.
8.09.2011
8.08.2011
Conditional Grace
I've recently been added to a group on Facebook. There's a new rash of "You know you're from (or attended) :insertcityorschoolnamehere: if..." groups and I was added to the one from my High School.
Its been filled with posts about the ins and outs of attending said school as well as a lot of people that aren't my FB friends and who I was happy to mostly not have to speak to again.
It seems a little cliche to not enjoy the high school you attended, and it's not exactly that I didn't enjoy the high school that I attended or even the town I grew up in, really. I didn't mind it. But I also didn't like a lot of the people or things that happened there. Very typical small town and it's been interesting to see where people ended up and how people have changed, or in a lot of cases stayed the same.
Enter a sermon on judgement Sunday at church and it had me thinking a lot today about grace.
Because I am realizing more and more how I offer conditional grace.
I have a hard time letting people exit the boxes I remember them living in, the way I remember them being. Even though I loathe when that happens to me, when people don't let me evolve, change and mature I can't give everyone the same courtesy.
I'm learning how to walk the fine line between judgement and grace. I'm learning that just like with almost every other aspect in my life I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that either believes there is redemption for people even when I can't see the possibility, or they are un-redeemable. I'm also learning that sometimes there are appropriate and correct boundaries that must be set.
See, I have this idea that I should give my all to everyone. That I should try to make them happy and comfortable and help their lives be as wrinkle-free as possible.
The only problem with that is I end up feeling left out, forgotten or I ultimately (or immediately) end up sacrificing my values, beliefs or mental/emotional well-being in the process.
I'm learning that I can't do it anymore.
I just can't.
I'm learning that I shouldn't either. That just because there should be grace, and that should cover everyone it is not my job to make things ok for them. Sometimes, things need to not be ok for other people.
It's the root of a lot of tension in my life right now as I move forward trying to begin relationships with healthy boundaries and build healthier boundaries into the existing relationships in my life. It's taking a lot of energy to seek God's will for what he wants in and around my life and to say no and stick to it when there are people and things in my life that I just can't abide any longer.
Because I'm stuck in that tension of being a people pleaser, wanting people to like me and want me around. I'm seeing more often how destructive and detrimental that is when I choose keeping others happy and content over doing what is right for my heart.
Even typing it I feel incredibly selfish. I want to qualify it with all sorts of reasons and examples of why it's important. But I'm not.
It's important because it's what God's asking me to do right now, and I do in fact need to do it with grace; especially when it impacts others.
Ben was right on the spot Sunday when he said that for generations we've offered either the truth without grace or grace without the truth.
I'm learning how to balance them both in the only messy and broken way that I know how.
Its been filled with posts about the ins and outs of attending said school as well as a lot of people that aren't my FB friends and who I was happy to mostly not have to speak to again.
It seems a little cliche to not enjoy the high school you attended, and it's not exactly that I didn't enjoy the high school that I attended or even the town I grew up in, really. I didn't mind it. But I also didn't like a lot of the people or things that happened there. Very typical small town and it's been interesting to see where people ended up and how people have changed, or in a lot of cases stayed the same.
Enter a sermon on judgement Sunday at church and it had me thinking a lot today about grace.
Because I am realizing more and more how I offer conditional grace.
I have a hard time letting people exit the boxes I remember them living in, the way I remember them being. Even though I loathe when that happens to me, when people don't let me evolve, change and mature I can't give everyone the same courtesy.
I'm learning how to walk the fine line between judgement and grace. I'm learning that just like with almost every other aspect in my life I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that either believes there is redemption for people even when I can't see the possibility, or they are un-redeemable. I'm also learning that sometimes there are appropriate and correct boundaries that must be set.
See, I have this idea that I should give my all to everyone. That I should try to make them happy and comfortable and help their lives be as wrinkle-free as possible.
The only problem with that is I end up feeling left out, forgotten or I ultimately (or immediately) end up sacrificing my values, beliefs or mental/emotional well-being in the process.
I'm learning that I can't do it anymore.
I just can't.
I'm learning that I shouldn't either. That just because there should be grace, and that should cover everyone it is not my job to make things ok for them. Sometimes, things need to not be ok for other people.
It's the root of a lot of tension in my life right now as I move forward trying to begin relationships with healthy boundaries and build healthier boundaries into the existing relationships in my life. It's taking a lot of energy to seek God's will for what he wants in and around my life and to say no and stick to it when there are people and things in my life that I just can't abide any longer.
Because I'm stuck in that tension of being a people pleaser, wanting people to like me and want me around. I'm seeing more often how destructive and detrimental that is when I choose keeping others happy and content over doing what is right for my heart.
Even typing it I feel incredibly selfish. I want to qualify it with all sorts of reasons and examples of why it's important. But I'm not.
It's important because it's what God's asking me to do right now, and I do in fact need to do it with grace; especially when it impacts others.
Ben was right on the spot Sunday when he said that for generations we've offered either the truth without grace or grace without the truth.
I'm learning how to balance them both in the only messy and broken way that I know how.
8.05.2011
Five Minutes: Whole
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.
Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.
As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.
Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.
But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.
Done.
Go.
I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.
Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.
As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.
Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.
But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.
Done.
8.04.2011
Red Flags
I don't trust myself.
My judgement, my decisions, I always think they're probably wrong.
Always.
So when a person comes into my life and I see all of these red flags going up I don't trust the boundaries that I want to set, because what if I'm wrong.
Others don't seem to have a problem with this person.
Others seem to think it's perfectly find to interact with them.
But the thought of hanging around this person makes my head scream
DON'T DO IT
I'm pretty sure I'm right. I don't know that I need to never be in the presence of this person, it would be pretty hard anyway because we're in the same circles, but I definitely think I need to be very VERY aware of the things I say to and around this person. I think that I need to speak the boundaries out loud to this person and hold the consequences in place when the boundaries are inevitably broken.
So I sought council, with my counselor even, and she agreed.
GIANT RED FLAGS
Lies and abuse of trust are very clear indicators that this person isn't trustworthy and isn't someone that I should be delving into a relationship with, especially right now. Because I'm re-assessing my relationships to pursue healthier ones and I'm working to do what's best for me emotionally and mentally I can't afford to deeply invest myself in someone that will be so draining and likely damaging to my forward motion.
But still I worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not looking hard enough for the good in people? What if I'm not giving this person a chance to show me who they really are? What if I lose other people because they don't understand my resistance to being involved with this person?
On healthier days I think, so what?
At some point I need to realize that I am the one that is ultimately responsible for guarding my heart. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for saying no, it's too much, I can't help carry you.
I had a healthier day yesterday, and it felt nice.
My judgement, my decisions, I always think they're probably wrong.
Always.
So when a person comes into my life and I see all of these red flags going up I don't trust the boundaries that I want to set, because what if I'm wrong.
Others don't seem to have a problem with this person.
Others seem to think it's perfectly find to interact with them.
But the thought of hanging around this person makes my head scream
DON'T DO IT
I'm pretty sure I'm right. I don't know that I need to never be in the presence of this person, it would be pretty hard anyway because we're in the same circles, but I definitely think I need to be very VERY aware of the things I say to and around this person. I think that I need to speak the boundaries out loud to this person and hold the consequences in place when the boundaries are inevitably broken.
So I sought council, with my counselor even, and she agreed.
GIANT RED FLAGS
Lies and abuse of trust are very clear indicators that this person isn't trustworthy and isn't someone that I should be delving into a relationship with, especially right now. Because I'm re-assessing my relationships to pursue healthier ones and I'm working to do what's best for me emotionally and mentally I can't afford to deeply invest myself in someone that will be so draining and likely damaging to my forward motion.
But still I worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not looking hard enough for the good in people? What if I'm not giving this person a chance to show me who they really are? What if I lose other people because they don't understand my resistance to being involved with this person?
On healthier days I think, so what?
At some point I need to realize that I am the one that is ultimately responsible for guarding my heart. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for saying no, it's too much, I can't help carry you.
I had a healthier day yesterday, and it felt nice.
8.03.2011
Reno Schmeno
The kitchen has been destroyed.
Contractors have been contracted, plumbers have been called and schedules made.
Now....I just have to survive.
But it's not going as bad as I thought it would be, I'm hesitant to say that because I'm afraid everything will fall apart.
Hopefully soon I'll have before pictures from my dad camera to show you guys, and then in a few short weeks I'll have after pictures too.
Stay tuned!
Contractors have been contracted, plumbers have been called and schedules made.
Now....I just have to survive.
But it's not going as bad as I thought it would be, I'm hesitant to say that because I'm afraid everything will fall apart.
Hopefully soon I'll have before pictures from my dad camera to show you guys, and then in a few short weeks I'll have after pictures too.
Stay tuned!
8.02.2011
Wake Up
My mom had a brother named John, we called him Johnny.
He was sick a lot, there were some things wrong with him and he was also a short but rotund man. But he was Uncle Johnny. He died when I was 3ish.
The story goes that he slept a lot, because of the decreased amount of oxygen he was receiving. Whenever we would go over to the farm house and he was there he would be sleeping on the sofa.
I would take it upon myself to climb up his belly and pat him on the face telling him I had arrived and it was time to wake up and play with me. He would wake up and I would continue to climb all over him.
When he died I hear I was told that he fell asleep and woke up in heaven with Jesus. He would stay there forever. So when we went to his funeral and I saw him laying in his casket I believed he was asleep. There were also those little Catholic kneeling things in front of his casket.
So when I was unattended I wandered over to the casket and climbed up the "steps" and looked at him.
Yep, he looked asleep.
So I kept climbing and crawled into the casket and up his belly until I could reach his face. I put my hands on his face and I said, "Wake up Uncle Johnny, I'm here! It's time to get up and play with me!"
I don't know what happened next, that part of the story was never told. I can imagine that my Grandma, his mom was pretty upset as were a lot of the other adults. He was pretty young when he died.
I do remember asking my Grandma about it when I was 16. I was trying to find out more about Uncle Johnny and what he was like, since I didn't remember him that well. I only really remembered how I felt when I was around him. After a little bit of small talk I asked her if the funeral story was true.
She stopped talking for a moment and just looked at me with hard little eyes. Then she said, "Yes. I can't believe what a selfish and cruel girl you were to do that to me at my sons funeral. I will NEVER EVER forgive you for what you did."
As all memories and stories go I remember more about how I felt during each part of the story than the specifics. The story had been told and re-told so often that I honestly wasn't sure if it even happened. That's why these are memories, that are probably only partly true. But I remember the shame I felt. Because I believed her when she said I was selfish and cruel, I believed her when she said I was bad.
I believe that she never forgave me until the day she died. There was no reason to doubt a woman that held a grudge for over 70 years couldn't nurse one for over 15.
He was sick a lot, there were some things wrong with him and he was also a short but rotund man. But he was Uncle Johnny. He died when I was 3ish.
The story goes that he slept a lot, because of the decreased amount of oxygen he was receiving. Whenever we would go over to the farm house and he was there he would be sleeping on the sofa.
I would take it upon myself to climb up his belly and pat him on the face telling him I had arrived and it was time to wake up and play with me. He would wake up and I would continue to climb all over him.
When he died I hear I was told that he fell asleep and woke up in heaven with Jesus. He would stay there forever. So when we went to his funeral and I saw him laying in his casket I believed he was asleep. There were also those little Catholic kneeling things in front of his casket.
So when I was unattended I wandered over to the casket and climbed up the "steps" and looked at him.
Yep, he looked asleep.
So I kept climbing and crawled into the casket and up his belly until I could reach his face. I put my hands on his face and I said, "Wake up Uncle Johnny, I'm here! It's time to get up and play with me!"
I don't know what happened next, that part of the story was never told. I can imagine that my Grandma, his mom was pretty upset as were a lot of the other adults. He was pretty young when he died.
I do remember asking my Grandma about it when I was 16. I was trying to find out more about Uncle Johnny and what he was like, since I didn't remember him that well. I only really remembered how I felt when I was around him. After a little bit of small talk I asked her if the funeral story was true.
She stopped talking for a moment and just looked at me with hard little eyes. Then she said, "Yes. I can't believe what a selfish and cruel girl you were to do that to me at my sons funeral. I will NEVER EVER forgive you for what you did."
As all memories and stories go I remember more about how I felt during each part of the story than the specifics. The story had been told and re-told so often that I honestly wasn't sure if it even happened. That's why these are memories, that are probably only partly true. But I remember the shame I felt. Because I believed her when she said I was selfish and cruel, I believed her when she said I was bad.
I believe that she never forgave me until the day she died. There was no reason to doubt a woman that held a grudge for over 70 years couldn't nurse one for over 15.
8.01.2011
Good Things: July
July 1 Cleveland! Road Trip Dance Party complete with air xylephones!
July 2 Most relaxing day I've had in a long time, and pool time!
July 3 Nice time meeting friends of friends and lots of laughter at lunch...then....POOL TIME
July 4 It's nice to stay out of town, but it's lovely to come back. Sleeping in my own bed was my favorite
July 5 I bought a pool, ok...technically I bought 2, but one is being returned because of missing parts
July 6 First swim in the pool!
July 7 2nd swim in the pool!
July 8 Met with the next leaders of WP and kept hearing the phrase "for such a time as this" echoing in my heart. Love when God does that.
July 9 4 hours in the pool! Most of it with Sharen and the kids. The sunburn was totally worth it.
July 10 Pool time and chatting with Amber. I really like her a lot. Also, finished my bedroom and put it all back together!
July 11 Woke up after sleeping for almost 10 hours and I was still exhausted. I blame the sunburn
July 12 Started watching Friday Night Lights, already cried 3 times.
July 13 Speaking of crying, today was cry number 1 of the kitchen remodel (and it hasn't even started yet)
July 14 Harry Potter premier!
July 15 Harry Potter premier started at 12:01, so it counts for today too
July 16 Harry Potter a 2nd time and lounging at the dogsitting house
July 17 I actually got to sit in church today! Also, lunch with Sharen and Matthew
July 18 Washington Project meetings are my favorite. I wonder if they'll let me crash after I'm done...
July 19 Girlfriends Night Out!
July 20 I yelled at my therapist today, and she said she understood
July 21 I felt really lucky to be in an air conditioned house today
July 22 I came home and did nothing today, nothing but read and go to bed early
July 23 3 movies and a book were devoured today, it was lovely
July 24 Had a great Sunday nap
July 25 People asking about birthday plans reassures me they won't forget (because honestly I'm scared people will forget)
July 26 Birthday Eve!
July 27 Happy Birthday to me! 32, yeesh
July 28 Birthday hangover, LOTS to do at home and work. No rest for the weary
July 29 The calm before the remodel storm
July 30 Let the kitchen remodel begin!
July 31 $75 worth of stuff for $20 out of pocket at Charming Charlies!
July 2 Most relaxing day I've had in a long time, and pool time!
July 3 Nice time meeting friends of friends and lots of laughter at lunch...then....POOL TIME
July 4 It's nice to stay out of town, but it's lovely to come back. Sleeping in my own bed was my favorite
July 5 I bought a pool, ok...technically I bought 2, but one is being returned because of missing parts
July 6 First swim in the pool!
July 7 2nd swim in the pool!
July 8 Met with the next leaders of WP and kept hearing the phrase "for such a time as this" echoing in my heart. Love when God does that.
July 9 4 hours in the pool! Most of it with Sharen and the kids. The sunburn was totally worth it.
July 10 Pool time and chatting with Amber. I really like her a lot. Also, finished my bedroom and put it all back together!
July 11 Woke up after sleeping for almost 10 hours and I was still exhausted. I blame the sunburn
July 12 Started watching Friday Night Lights, already cried 3 times.
July 13 Speaking of crying, today was cry number 1 of the kitchen remodel (and it hasn't even started yet)
July 14 Harry Potter premier!
July 15 Harry Potter premier started at 12:01, so it counts for today too
July 16 Harry Potter a 2nd time and lounging at the dogsitting house
July 17 I actually got to sit in church today! Also, lunch with Sharen and Matthew
July 18 Washington Project meetings are my favorite. I wonder if they'll let me crash after I'm done...
July 19 Girlfriends Night Out!
July 20 I yelled at my therapist today, and she said she understood
July 21 I felt really lucky to be in an air conditioned house today
July 22 I came home and did nothing today, nothing but read and go to bed early
July 23 3 movies and a book were devoured today, it was lovely
July 24 Had a great Sunday nap
July 25 People asking about birthday plans reassures me they won't forget (because honestly I'm scared people will forget)
July 26 Birthday Eve!
July 27 Happy Birthday to me! 32, yeesh
July 28 Birthday hangover, LOTS to do at home and work. No rest for the weary
July 29 The calm before the remodel storm
July 30 Let the kitchen remodel begin!
July 31 $75 worth of stuff for $20 out of pocket at Charming Charlies!
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