There is no way I'm 33.
No way.
There is no way that I'm not still a teenager with no idea what's happening in life. 

I had this weird experience the other day when I just looked around wondering at my life. That is simultaneously exactly what I have always wanted it to be and nothing like what I thought it would look like. 

But it's my life. 

This year I've been in therapy for over a year. It is also strange to be in the middle of a negative pattern of thought or behavior and realize, it doesn't have to be like this! The idea that I can just be a different person is the weirdest and most "duh" inducing idea I've come across in a long time. 

Pete's lived here for another year (since he moved in on my birthday weekend 2 years ago it's easy to keep track of when he moved in) and I can't image him not living with me. The ridiculousness that has ensued and honestly just the friendship that developed is so cherished. Also, it's really hilarious to combat all the "are they or aren't they" conversations with mutual looks of horror and recoiling. Every once in awhile we'll say something about when we move into separate homes and honestly, I panic a little....because I don't know how I'd eat since he cooks all the time! Oh, and playing Mario Kart alone is boring, so clearly we need to live together forever.

God took away my writing voice for awhile; but I feel it trickling back into my lungs and expelling words again. But in taking away my writing voice he gave me my speaking voice. Standing up for myself, saying no more often and when I want/need to has been ridiculously revolutionary for my life. 

There are still holes. Places in my heart that can't seem to heal quite yet. But newer people are beginning to weave their friendships around them; helping me trust and believe that things can be different. For which I am eternally grateful.

But more than anything else; this year has given me a sense of contentedness. Content with my life, where I'm at, what's happening and with whom. Here's to another year, 34? That can't be right...

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