Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.
Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.
As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.
Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.
But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.