I was terrified she would say there was nothing wrong and I was just a stupid dramatic girl. But when she validated and named the loops in my head and the words in my ears I kept trying to shrug it off.

She asked me to tell her stories, and when I did she labeled them with words that still feel inflammatory to my ears. I tried to tell her it wasn't really that. I tried to explain to her the way I've explained it to myself so it didn't cut so deeply. But she wasn't buying it.

I told her about the mustache cup and the wall and I was taken aback when again she used labels that felt dark and seedy. But I'm realizing they only feel that way because of the forced rationale I applied to dark and seedy things.

I'm realizing that I haven't trusted my definitions of experiences for a long time (if ever) and I've taught myself not to trust others. It's strange, it's sort of like re-learning how to experience things, like re-defining my day to day interactions with people and realizing I don't have to be afraid all the time.
I'm sure I'll try to push this off for awhile. I mean, I told her halfway through her explanations of the diagnosis that I wanted to get up and leave. But for now, I'm hanging in there and believing that things are going to get better, even if they don't get easier.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you for not getting up and leaving. (((HUG)))