I think that deep down there are some strong (and therefore scary) emotions churning, just waiting to erupt. My tears alone in the car are like little earthquakes before a volcanic eruption.
Sometimes I can give voice to the emotions. Sometimes I have conversations with people that I believe are scary, dangerous, painful to have in real life. And I cry. I cry because even during the pretend conversations with people I don't have the words. Even in conversations I'm completely in control of because they're pretend I can never find the right things to say.
Even when I control the other persons words and parts of the conversations the other people always turn into bullies. They call me fat, stupid, and ask me why I'm always so ridiculous.And I still believe them.
I'm working on combating the lies I believe. The truths I've been taught and have taught myself are being challenged for the first time. The lies are fighting for survival. They're fighting to keep their hold on my heart and my mind and sometimes they still win.
I would love to think I'm working towards a place where I can have these conversations with people in real life. But....I also think not. Because as much as these people have said they want me to to tell them, as much as they want me to open up to them I don't trust they do.
As I've tried, in my own damaged little broken way, they can't seem to accept what I'm telling them and they just tell me to "figure out how to get past it already". And I wonder if they think I'm not really trying.
I know I should keep trying to open up to them despite their reactions, but I'm battered and bruised and re-experiencing some scary things that I've stomped down for decades and I'm just tired of trying some days.
So I cry in my car on my way to work. Trusting my big ass sunglasses to hide my tears and a tube of mascara in my purse to make my eyes presentable as I talk myself into facing another day.
Why am I feeling so guilty
Why am I holding my breath
I'm worried about everyone but me and I just keep losing myself
Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me that I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you I am
The Civil Wars- Falling