It could be a good thing. Sometimes. Although I'm loathe to believe that truth is concealed for good reasons, I hear that sometimes people confess their love and throw surprise parties that require concealment of the truth. People are awed, touched, surprised and sometimes elated.
My experiences have been a little different. Truth has been ugly, hurtful and twisted. Truth has been wielded like a weapon, as if it were a tool to be used to up the ante and increase the persons relational or positional power. People are in shock, they're disgusted, let down, ashamed and feel so betrayed.
I'm trying to retrain my mind to not be so suspicious, to not wonder what it is I'm missing in any given scenario. I'm trying to not have my first question be, "But what's the catch? Is this a set up?" and then wonder how whatever truth they are concealing will cause me to look a fool and be cowed again.
It's all very cynical, all very poor little girl. I hate it. I don't want to be this way and I'm trying not to be.
But I received an email, a very kind, thoughtful, followup email the other day. Someone who has never been unkind to me checking in, asking how they can help.
I wanted to reply and tell them everything was ok, it was cool. But I do need some help, some guidance and some encouragement about this specific thing.
So, I decided to reply and ask for it.
What if it wasn't genuine? What if it was just standard follow up? What if it was just a gesture with the hopes for the standard 'everything's ok' response?
I had been invited somewhere a few days before that as well. But I didn't go, because I wasn't sure if it was real, if it was the truth, if the truth was that it was a pity invite an invite to meet a sort of protocol.
The thing is, neither of the people behind either of those things have ever been anything but kind to me. They've never given me a moments pause or wonder about their intentions or their honesty.
But still I hesitate. I wonder, was there ever a moment that gave me pause about the others before the first one?
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin
-'Papercut' Linkin Park