Because I if I didn't feel the need to please or at least perform at the base of my skill level I would still be in bed.
As it is I've pulled the shutters on my heart and have retreated inside.
It's just to much for me lately and I don't know how to get out from under this heaviness and honestly I don't know that I even want to, it's more comfortable here than raw and bleeding outside.
I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series so I've re-read all of them when the 1st part of the last movie comes out in the fall. I'm on book 5 now and it was one of my least favorite books when I read through the series the first time. I thought Harry was pouty and off putting. I wanted him to just get over it and realize that people were looking out for him and trying to protect him.
Because you see I was reading it from an all knowing observing point of view. I could remove myself emotionally from the fear and anxiety that he was feeling and I could know that things were better if he would just stop being so damn pouty.
But this time around, I'm enjoying it more. The dark layers suiting my current mental state. The short thrills of hope Harry feels before they are tempered by the little voice warning him that he shouldn't count on people he's really all on his own.
Yet even with all this perspective on Harry I can't pull my head or heart of the mire it's been stuck in recently. I feel like I'm losing the battle.
Once again I read on Alece's blog a post that even though our struggles stem from different fissures speaks so close to my heart.
There are so many areas of my life that are undone right now. My heart
I can feel short thrills of hope like Harry, and remember that I'm not alone. But so often lately, more often than I care to really admit, I believe the slithering voice that tells me I can't really count on people, that I'm really all on my own.