So I was seeing someone. A therapist of sorts because a few months back I was spiraling a little emotionally off the edge.
Three sessions I talked to her. Told her about relationships and other things and she pointed out and said we would work on my fear of being abandoned. That it was ok for me to want relationships with people.
I told her about several that ended abruptly and about the months and years of lies that had preceded and how I felt like everyone lied all the time.
I told her about how I was so afraid of all relationships, friendships, family, men everything. Because it wouldn't last and if it did they were probably just placating me until something better came along. (What, I said I was spiraling close to the edge didn't I?)
So the ironic thing is that she has done it too. I called her to reschedule an appointment and she said she would need to check her calendar and get back to me.
That was almost a month ago.
Could I call her? Sure. But I don't trust her now.
Plus I am afraid of being a petulant dramatic little girl that just keeps whining about how everyone leaves her or lies to her.
I used to trust people fully.
Then I didn't trust people at all.
Slowly I've let them back in and every few years I get a little panic stricken that they're getting tired of me. I try (and mostly succeed) to work through it and then move on.
But you know. After a few weeks of arguments where being right seemed more important than the relationships and being told in as many words that I am clearly not as important as things or events far removed from my relationship with people it's just getting harder to realize that it's worth it.
I don't want to be a bitter girl and I'm trying really hard not to be. But tonight it's really hard. When I have a list of people I could call in my phone and I'm not sure I want to talk to any of them for fear they will reject me swiftly because I've called at an inconvenient time or they'll change the subject to something more comfortable than my angry and ugly tears and decades old scars that crop up from time to time.
I'm sorry if that hurts you.
But I'm pretty hurt too and I just have no idea how to process it right now.