I overhear things as a recovering eavesdropper. I don't mean to, old habits dying hard.
I see things and know about things because of relationships I have. Mostly they're things I need to know because of positions I'm in.
But sometimes I find myself wanting to be included in friendships and relationships that I don't even want to be in.
I find myself jealous of friendships that if nothing was happening I wouldn't even be interested in pursuing otherwise.
I wonder when I'll get over this melodramatic craving of mine.
I wonder when I'll stop wanting things I don't even want.
Then the crazy side of me starts wondering if I do want them I just don't want to want them so I say I don't want them.
But I step back, and on any given day I don't want to be involved, because I know the friendships will be too much. That the people, while they have their times of loveliness, will simply pull me away from a life I truly desire to live.
I feel like I have to defend myself in not really wanting to be more friendly with some people because you'll think I'm a bitch. But I also understand that I need to guard my heart and guard the influence on me carefully.
How to I balance this?
How do I balance that with the already overwhelming urges I feel to pull away, withdrawal and isolate?
It's just awkward. Noticing this pull to want things I don't even want just because they're there for the wanting.
But I'm probably the only one that's ever done that right?