Wanting what I don't Want

I overhear things as a recovering eavesdropper. I don't mean to, old habits dying hard.
I see things and know about things because of relationships I have. Mostly they're things I need to know because of positions I'm in.

But sometimes I find myself wanting to be included in friendships and relationships that I don't even want to be in.
I find myself jealous of friendships that if nothing was happening I wouldn't even be interested in pursuing otherwise.

I wonder when I'll get over this melodramatic craving of mine.
I wonder when I'll stop wanting things I don't even want.
Then the crazy side of me starts wondering if I do want them I just don't want to want them so I say I don't want them.

But I step back, and on any given day I don't want to be involved, because I know the friendships will be too much. That the people, while they have their times of loveliness, will simply pull me away from a life I truly desire to live.
I feel like I have to defend myself in not really wanting to be more friendly with some people because you'll think I'm a bitch. But I also understand that I need to guard my heart and guard the influence on me carefully.
How to I balance this?
How do I balance that with the already overwhelming urges I feel to pull away, withdrawal and isolate?

It's just awkward. Noticing this pull to want things I don't even want just because they're there for the wanting.
But I'm probably the only one that's ever done that right?


jake said...

Not at all...

Pete said...

"But I'm probably the only one that's ever done that right?"

Totally. I have no idea what you're talking about......:whistling avoiding eye contact:

I love this constant feeding of my blog addiction. :)