So when this post popped up in my reader this morning I read it at my desk with my hand over my mouth. Tears came and I immediately began praying my patootie off for this precious woman. Later on I got a tweet from Jenn asking if I would be willing to pray for Amy Beth tomorrow.
I'm posting Amy Beth's post below. But please join me in praying for her tomorrow as she dives into uncharted territory. Pray for strength. Pray for comfort. Pray for peace. Pray for the physicians. Pray for healing.
Pray for this lovely young woman that has done so much for others, has poured herself out into the lives of others and asked for nothing in return. Take an hour, take 5 minutes, take however long. Please just take some time tomorrow to pray for the oh so fabulous Amy Beth.
Okay, let’s talk.
It’s Monday morning, 12:02 a.m. All weekend I kept thinking about
what I should do with the blog this week. Should I write? Should I
ask people to guest post for me? Should I ignore what’s going on in my
life and write about other things? Should I write about what’s
I decided that I wouldn’t write about it and that I’d ignore it,
much like I’ve been doing since last Thursday afternoon. But now it’s
after midnight and I can’t sleep, again, and so I’m writing. I’m still in
the stage of speaking very matter-of-factly about all of this, so it’s probably
a good time to write about it as well.
I went to the internist last Thursday. They did another CT scan,
with contrast, and found the same spot on my left lung that was found on a CT
scan two weeks ago. They found two additional spots that were not found on
the first CT scan. The internist says that he believes none of the three
areas on my lung are cancerous at this time.
I’ve never written about this, but I was diagnosed with Polycystic
Ovarian Syndrome during my sophomore year of college. It’s caused problems
since then, but I actually thought it was getting much better as recently as the
beginning of this year. Things were happening that made it appear that it
had greatly lessened; I thought I was maybe leaving it behind.
I haven’t. The PCOS seems to have killed an antibody that should
be helping me fight off infections, such as the mono and pneumonia. The
internist ordered an immediate ultrasound and, after having an abdominal one
that showed problems, I had a vaginal one as well. Unlike before, when
there has only been one or two cysts on one ovary while the other was clean,
there are now cysts covering both of my ovaries. Far more importantly,
there are now cysts inside my uterus as well.
What was a syndrome before is now a disease, more specifically Ovarian
Everything will begin again this week. I’ll meet with another
doctor for a second opinion. I’ll go on Family Medical Leave Act with my
job in case I need to suddenly take an extended time off from work.
They’ll be a biopsy to check for pre-cancerous and cancerous cells. If
they’re there, they’ll be a hysterectomy. There may be one anyway, just so
we can be sure.
He said “If you weren’t 25, I’d order a hysterectomy immediately” and I
said “I don’t want that. I’m 25 and I want babies” and he said “You can’t
become pregnant.” And I cried and my mom cried and she held my hand and
now, for the first time since Thursday afternoon, I’m finally crying about it
again at 12:21 a.m. on Monday morning. This is awful. I don’t want
this. How is this happening to me? I am 25 years old and they are
going to look for cancerous cells inside my body? I am 25 years old and
they say no baby could live inside my body? I am 25 years old and I
watched them mark cyst after cyst after cyst on the screen while the technician
said nothing, but patted my arm while tears rolled down my face?
I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I would say anything
about what’s going on. If I’m going to blog through this, then I have to
mention it because I just can’t write post after post, pretending like things
are fine when they aren’t. And I’m not sure if I will blog through
it. I’m not sure that I want anyone to see what a mess I’m going to be as
I do this thing.
But if I’m going to talk about it with you, we have to make a deal and
I’m not trying to be mean, but listen, we have to make a deal. I don’t
want emails telling me about your third cousin who was told she’d never have a
baby and now has three children. Do I believe that God can heal
this? Yes. Do I believe He will heal it before I go to heaven?
I don’t know. That may not be His plan. And so I don’t us to be
deciding that His plan is for me to have babies when I’m having to face a very
real reality right now.
Right now, I am facing increasing odds of a hysterectomy which means no
babies. And I need to deal with this however I can and, right now, I
cannot deal with hearing one more story about how someone ended up with a baby
when I know I very well may not. Right now, I cannot deal with this at
all. Right now, I’m spending every waking moment trying to fill my days
with tasks so that I don’t think about this. Right now, I’m trying to deal
with my insurance and schedule specialist appointments and not cry in the aisle
at the grocery store. Right now, I’m trying to think about the fact that,
in a few hours, I need to get up and go into work as usual, that I have another
day of going through my life like usual when nothing is the same as it was last
Monday morning. I am twenty five years old. I do not know how to do
I do not know how to do this.