Learning it Now

You seemed unable to muster up the desire to either keep or discard me.
Your indifference settled into my heart and carved it in half.
One minute begging me to stay, the other seeming to completely forget my very existence. The list of pressing things was so heavy, those things that came before me. I was at once longing for a priority higher than 249 and at the same time oppressed at the thought of being so close to the top.
The problem was; I believed your indifference. On top of everything, I believed that I was completely unworthy of your abject desire and favor. I believed I was unworthy of the fight, of the consistency of your affection, any affection really.

You just could never muster the strength to fight for me. So I believed that I wasn't worth the fight, the effort, the care that it took to be defended and fought for by you, or anyone.

I've been undoing what it is that settled in and carved me up. I've been patching and healing, re-learning and understanding what it is that's true. Because the truth is, I never really asked you to fight for me until I knew there was no fight left in you. The truth is, I believed that I wasn't worth the fight well before you taught me that lesson.
But I'm working on learning that I am now.

No comments: