Invisible 7/21/07

You saw me when I was invisible
In the valleys of my own making, you lifted me up to ride on the crest of the mountaintops you created
You sent your messengers to show me the path, to light the way, to bridge the gap
You heard me when I did not speak. You listened between the curses, beyond the lies. In you I inadvertently confided the deepest despairs that I rarely was able to even put into words.
You touched the parts of me that were blockaded in the fortress I built with my sarcasm, sharp tongue, and quick white hot rage.
You sent your Son to show me the higher road, the best intentions, and the sorrow that comes, deeply, painfully, for so long, before the joy.
You tasted my tears that I hid behind my boisterous laughter. You tasted the blood that I drew while attacking before being attacked, the blood I drew while trying to work up the courage to damn myself to a different hell then I was living.
You loved me anyway, you loved me more because of the fractures in my mind. You loved me in the deep of the night, in the dark corners of the bars, in the bed I made to lay in. You loved me true and consistently. I pushed you harder then anything I had before and have since. I push you still.
You smell my fear, the fear I still try not to feel. You smell the sometimes paralyzing fear I have that you too will discover that this was all a mistake and I truly am not worth the trouble.
But I mostly fear not. The first words that I spoke to you honestly, the first cry that I cried continually whisper to my still shattered heart. "I'm afraid" to which you replied calmly, quietly, "Fear Not". I fear not the wicked evil that often overwhelms me with his attempts to re-capture my heart.

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress, be merciful to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1-2

Psalm 30
"I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down into the pit. Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime, weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. When I felt secure, I said, I will never be shaken. O Lord when you favored me you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I called to the Lord I cried for mercy; What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."