8.31.2009

I see through closed eyes

I'm dog sitting this week at a fancy house with a fancy master bath. The shower is delectable and large with frosted glass all around.
I was in the shower this morning and I heard a click, then a crash. I tried to look through the glass to figure out what happened. No surprise, I couldn't see anything.
The glass was frosted and cloudy from my showers steam. I had to open the door and walk through in order to see that the dog had busted down the doors to the massive walk in closet.
Every morning, no matter where I am, I open my eyes and I can't see well at all. Not until I put on my glasses or put in my contacts. Then I can see clearly.

Why then am I so surprised that I see through closed eyes? I've been pretty silent these last few days via phone, twitter and facebook. I was pouting. I was mad.
Mad about my weight, mad about my job, mad about complete strangers and everyone I'd ever known or thought about before in my life. I was slipping back into angry girl mode and dammit I liked it.
It was comforting, that killing rage. That idea that it was justified that I be that angry. That it was ok for me to deflect any and all responsibility for my physical, mental and financial health on the "idiots" of the world. That none of it was my fault, that I was simply a victim of circumstance.
Because that's who I used to be. I was angry and angry was an addictive bed fellow. Without realizing it I closed my eyes, turned up the volume of the TV and stuck my fingers in my ears. Lalalala not my fault. Lalalala I don't want to hear it.

Discipline, self-control, never have those two been the main words associated with my name. Never has that been more evident than in the last week.
But then I stopped. Stopped talking, stopped typing, stopped chit chatting. I muted the TV, I took some long walks with two very big dogs and I read my bible for long hours. I didn't read anything that sexy in the bible to be honest. I'm reading through the bible in 90(ish) days and I was stuck in Exodus/Leviticus. But I sat and read it even though it wasn't all sexy.
I was disciplined. I read even when I didn't want to. I read the next assigned task even when I didn't feel like it.
I've done it before, I've done it begrudgingly and with a lot of anger in my heart. But this time I just did it. I didn't think about it to much I just read. Out loud, on the patio, in my car (while parked)

I stopped eating. For almost a day. I waited until I was hungry, until I didn't want to eat because I was bored but because I was hungry. I didn't eat until almost 7pm.
(Yes I realize that isn't healthy to do all the time, but I really needed to understand again what hunger was, because I am rarely the girl that waits until she's hungry to stuff her face)I chose carrots over Twix, I put back the little debbie.
All of this was after shoving fistfuls of food hand over fist into my mouth to the point that I couldn't even breathe.

I don't see my life clearly. I honestly don't have the faintest idea how to begin to. But I'm trying. I don't see myself clearly. I'm hateful to myself and I'm wounded the deepest by my unforgiveness of my own shortcomings.
But I'm trying.

I long for the days that I'll see through opened eyes. For the time when I'm reunited with the one that loves me so perfectly and deeply.

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12

1 comment:

jake - aka the comment novelist said...

I love you, even when you're quiet and angry. Though I miss you when you're quiet.