Power is still out: 30 hours and counting....

I'm sitting on my sisters back porch because my class tonight was canceled. Well it was an intro to a class. The class is part of a bible study program that runs concurrent with the school year. This year it's on the life of Moses. I know a few people that have gone, and I think I'll enjoy it. At the very least I'll be smarter after this.
Also, I'm pretty sure the neighbors are smoking weed and trying to disguise it as a camp fire. Because it smells like weed with some camp fire intermingled. Ugh, I detest pot.
I read a quote, no strike that, I heard a phrase on Heroes (my new obsession, this power outage is stealing precious catch up time...season three starts in a week!) and it has been running through my head ever since.

You aren't looking for redemption, you're looking for ignorance.

Redemption: atonement for guilt

Sometimes it's easier to be ignorant. Sometimes I really wish that I just didn't know things, or about things. I wish I wouldn't have seen things and experienced things. Because sometimes these things get all tangled up in my head and I can't seem to focus on other things.
I haven't really processed what it is exactly I'm trying to say....but sometimes when I should be asking for forgiveness, or redemption, what I'm really praying for is ignorance.
Most of all there are so many things I haven't heard. You see, I'm a class A eavesdropper. It served me well, I was proficient and stealth about it. I integrated it so deeply into my everyday behavior that I do it to this day without even thinking about it.
When I was a child, heck, even now when I'm an adult, I hear bits and pieces of things and I don't get the whole story. So I fill in the blanks, I add things on, I draw my own conclusions.
Sometimes, I'm right. Sometimes I'm not.
My gut instinct when I hear things is to adapt, quickly. I hear things that might have to do with what this person likes in a girl, or what that person respects in another and I immediately take that to mean that I'm not those things. That those things are the sum total of who I should be.
Sometimes it's like a drug, or even like being drunk on changing, adapting.
I don't know I'm rambling, to much quiet I suppose without all the power.

Someone that I love was loud and boisterous yesterday. I realize that I can be that way too, but the setting we were in was one in which I very desperately try to fly below the radar. Not often, but occasionally, it seems physically painful to be seen, to be noticed, because I feel so less then, so not enough.
I don't know what it all means, I don't really know how to completely move past this. I know that it's better then before, I know that it gets better all the time...I'm just impatiently waiting for it to be all gone.