Troubling Deaf Heaven

God is more often silent then chatty with me. The last part of one of the quotes I just posted read:

I suspect that maybe God speaks to us most clearly through his silence, his absence, so that we know him best through our missing him.

I am occasionally troubled by a deaf God. More often then not it feels like the silent treatment, as if it is punishment for something that I've done, or am doing wrong....but I can't figure out what it is that I'm doing.
But I was thinking last night, about how for granted I take things. I take my friendships, my family, my church for granted. If I'm overexposed (for lack of a better word) I take these things and so much more for granted. I just expect that these things will be there forever, never going anywhere, never changing. When these things are absent from me, I notice they are gone and my heart is resolved to hold them closer and appreciate them more.

I'm that way with God too. It seems like when I look to directly at my faith, when I hear from God and am just immersed in the grandness of my King I get so...so...ambivalent.
I expect that he will just be there, speaking to me without me seeking him first, before anything else in my life. I just expect that when I say God, he will appear before my heart just waiting to hear what my bidding will be this time, what it is that I'm requesting from him.
I don't adore him, or thank him nearly enough...not nearly enough at all.
There is much more instant gratification in hashing it out and bitching with another person, I can much more quickly solve a problem or life crisis on my own then waiting for the ever elusive God's timing, right? Right?

I went to see Narnia: Prince Caspian tonight (for free whoop!), for those of you that don't know, the Chronicles of Narnia is a series of books written by CS Lewis as an allegorical tale of the journey of the world. Reepacheep makes his debut in Prince Caspian and he is by far one of my favorite characters in the series, but I digress. In the series, Aslan the Lion is a metaphorical character for God. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy are sons of adam and daughters of eve and well, they're humans...which is a metaphor for...humans. Anyway...
There were several moment in the movie when Susan and Peter would ask why they hadn't seen Aslan, why he didn't appear to them, because he appeared to Lucy. Later in the movie Lucy is talking to Aslan (oh the animals talk...and talk to me about Star Wars before you start telling me that this is a weird concept) and asking him why he hasn't bound in and saved them all, why hasn't he protected all of those that have perished. Aslan replied, why didn't you come looking for me sooner? Why haven't you been seeking me?
I don't think that is by any means saying that God couldn't bound in and save us all....but if we don't want him why would he?
If you have a friend that you are constantly pursuing but they never really seem interested in spending time with you...wouldn't you at least tone down your pursuit?
I wonder so often why the heavens are silent, why I feel that my petitions and supplications are bouncing off a deaf heaven...and when I really, honestly think about it...it's because I've wandered so far away from God.
Oh, he's right where he always is, and always has been, but I've wandered away and deafened myself. I've turned up the volume of my life, I've decided that I can run this show a mite better then God and he damn well better hand over the reigns.

Once I wake up and realize the absence, the deafness of heaven, I begin to look wildly about for God, like a lost child, which is exactly what I am.
He's always there, patiently waiting for me to return. Until the next time, when I am immersed in my faith and I grow once again ambivalent towards my King, until the next time I trouble deaf heaven.