I used to lie a lot. I mean a lot. I decided in hmmmm, maybe 2001 or so that I wasn't going to lie anymore, and with very few exceptions I haven't.
But there's a lot of gray area around lying sometimes. What if it's for a surprise for someone? What if it's an appropriate secret (and what are appropriate secrets)? I will tell you pretty much anything you want to know if you just ask me. However, is not volunteering the information lying?
Ok, Jake may not remember this story but here's something that I have a question about...
He and I were "going out" in high school (the high school part is important to note) His mom didn't want us to (or something, I'm still a little fuzzy on those details) so he said that he would tell her I was his girlfriend if she asked the right question. The three of us were at Taco Bell once and she asked us point blank if we were "going out", but prior to that she had hinted around but never asked us outright. So was not telling her when we knew what she was asking us lying?
So if there are things that I'm misrepresenting to people, and I know they are confused about it, or I know they are wondering about, is it lying if I omit the information instead of purposely misinforming them?
These are all things that I've wrestled with since I decided not to lie.
But I lie the loudest when I lie to myself. I still lie to myself a lot. I lie intentionally and unintentionally. I evade and duck and cover and hope that "I" don't realize what "I'm" trying to get away with. It's all so schizophrenic this dual reality that I find myself existing in, and I'm just so over it. I find the truth in the middle of the night whispers and long early morning drives.
I lie to myself about my feelings for him, about what I really want to do, about who I really want to be. I lie to myself about how I think people see me, and I lie loudest about how I see myself.
I've been asking a lot of point blank questions of myself lately...and surprisingly getting answers. I'm cleaning house literally and figuratively and I'm finding myself getting more comfortable in who I am and what I am really passionate about. It's been rough and tumble and lovely all at the same time.
1 comment:
I have no memory of that, whether it's because it was filed away as inconsequential, or because I purposely blocked it at some point. Best I can come up with is that it was either because we worked together, or because of the "Conflicting Mothers" crap.
If it makes you feel any better, she's never liked anyone I've dated, no matter the degree of seriousness. Even before I "came out" to her.
As far as lying to yourself, I think we all do to some degree. But that may be me lying to myself to make me feel better about the extent to which I lie to me.
Shit. Now I've gone and made myself dizzy.
"zipkw" - I like to try to pronounce them...
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