Tethered

I saw this word in a blog today.
It was in the following context:
"When he is away I feel so untethered from my center"

But it got me thinking about the things that I'm tied to, and the things that I actively work to un-tether myself from.
I have commitment issues. Not so much in that I'm unwilling to commit to others, or one specific person, but in that I don't believe they will have the same level of commitment. So maybe that's more of a trust issue thing...but I'm uninterested in arguing semantics.

A tether can be so many things. It can be a restraint. Something that holds you down or back and doesn't allow you to progress in the way that you want/should/need to.
A tether can be used as a safety measure. It can keep you from entering into places that cause harm to you emotionally, mentally or physically. A tether can stabilize you when you feel buffered from all sides, when if you weren't tied down somehow you would just blow away.

I've been thinking most of the day about the ways I'm tethered, and the ways I avoid being tethered.

I often have this idea that relationships, of the romantic variety, would be the first one. Limiting, stifling, compromising.
I wouldn't be able to do as much as I do now, I would become weighed down and burdened by this accountability to another person in all facets of my life.
I wouldn't be able to hang out as much with friends. I couldn't go where I wanted on my vacation.
All pretty selfish reasons for the most part.
But for the most part today I've been thinking about the safety measure aspect of being tethered.

For so long, even when I was superficially tied to people or places I felt adrift. As if I was just floating around looking for a purpose, a path, anything. I would frequently have these crazy dreams where I was flying...not like Superman or anything...but flying like those astronauts that become untethered in the movies. Out of control, hopeless, unstable.
It definitely contributed to my behavior that needs not be listed here.
I would wander in and out of situations that harmed me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Like a puppy I just kept going back for more, thinking that if only I got the right amount of attention positive or negative that I would stabilize.
If I could only find the right level of alcohol and nicotine I would feel sane again.
But nothing helped.
Because I wouldn't let myself truly be tethered to anything. I would loosen the knots of the connection, I would withhold who I was, I would flee at the first sign of trouble. I would push and pull and shove until the connection was broken and I was free again.
But I was never free. I held myself prisoner from people that loved me and that I loved.
It is still incredibly difficult for me to not do this, especially when I'm uncertain where I stand with someone.

I know you're all waiting for when I bring Jesus up again. I would apologize for that...but then that would sort of be like apologizing that I'm using oxygen. So here goes.

When I met Jesus, it was the first time that I took a deep breath and truly tethered myself to anything. I very intentionally took months to decide. I talked to people (the infamous Steve) and observed church. I didn't trust that it was safe. The church I grew up in was so two faced and superficial and I didn't trust that all churches weren't that way.
I watched people, I listened in on their conversations in bathrooms and dark corners. I gathered together hope that this time could be different and that this could be something that would last.
Then I jumped in.

Slowly, I've been tethering myself to people. Allowing myself to peek through, to show all of my unexplainable moments of sadness or reflection to them and tell them that I don't have the answer to why.
I find myself dreaming now of moments of betrayal. These dreams when the other people cut tethers and walk away.
It scares me.

Two steps forward and one back seem to be working for now. I have a big weekend coming up faster then I would like in which I'll be thrown into a situation that irrationally scares me with all the opportunities for damage.
But I'll move further down this path in my unsteady way and let the tethers come and stabilize me. I'll hold onto the ropes that ground me and let the people on the other end help keep me safe.

The more I look at each relationship that I cherish the more I can see what ties us together. It's much deeper then I ever really noticed.
Some I'm tied to because of shared secrets. I get the privilege of sharing that secret and watching them disentangle themselves from the pain and sorrow that comes with holding that so tightly in their heart.
Some it was laughter that brought us together, and it's life and all it's snarky humor that keeps us together.
Some, it's time and experience. These people that have been a part of me for so long that they are as much a part of me as my heartbeat. These are the people that we can say one word, or exchange a look and we understand.
A lot of the new people it's Jesus. We are all tethered to Him and he brings us together as we worship Him and just love in His name.

Some of them are closer to me geographically then others. Some of them I talk to more then others. But they are all my tethers and I'm so glad for all of them.

What tethers you?