Masks

Last night Tony and I met Daryl and Katie at their church (922 in Erlanger) and then went out to TGI Fridays. After we went to Daryl and Katie's and played Wii, and I wiped the floor with each and everyone of them...well Tony beat me, but I made him sweat first!
It was such a fun night of just laughing and hanging out. I felt more relaxed and had more fun then I can remember in a long time (in Ohio that is, the Keys were definately relaxing!)

The message at 922 was about identity, about what identity we have not only in Christ, but what others see in us. Steve the pastor said that if we have to tell someone how patient, kind, joyfilled, etc., we are....then we're probably not.
Steve talked about identity in the way of what defines who we are...but he also talked about fake id's and stolen id's. Which is what really resonated with something deep within me, and deep within my past.

He said, who's stealing your identity? Are we investing to much in our significant other, job, sex, material possesions? Are our identities becoming so wrapped up in those things that we foget who we're called to be in Jesus?
But he also talked about our fake identity. The way we have church faces, work faces, relationship faces, friendship faces etc. That so is who I used to be. I used to not be able to tell anyone even what my favorite color was until I knew theirs because then that would be my favorite color. I thought that to be like people meant that people would like me....and I so wanted people to like me.
I just never felt...enough. Sometimes I still don't, but it's leaps and bounds better then it used to be.
I used to and in some ways still so deeply fear people getting close to me because what if I'm not funny enough, or witty enough, or smart enough, or whatever enough. Steve talked about how we need to be authentic in a way that people can get close and still see who we truly are. Our identity needs to be solid enough because otherwise who we are pretending to be doesn't look or sound like us and that will drive people away from us farther then if we never let them get close.

Wow, sounds simple right? Sounds like I should be proficient at this intimacy (friend and relationally as well) thing...but I so feel like I'm not.
I was talking to people at church today, and after a few minutes in the conversation I started to almost panic that I was running out of interesting things to say....so I felt like I had to flee.
I've talked to Claire about this a bit, because I almost feel like this is overtaking me and hindering anything I want to do with outreach...which is the last thing I need/want.

But last night...man oh man. Worship was awesome, there were goosebumps going up and down my body, I had my arms thrust in the air just feeling so enraptured with God. The message was great, just making me think about what part of me is still covered in this fearful mask, not wanting to let people in for fear who I really am is so inadequate and repulsive.
The great thing was, after the service, while Tony and I were waiting for Katie and Daryl he asked me about the journal I was taking notes in and I talked to him about the mask thing. I told him about the color thing, and how I couldn't even tell you my favorite color that I mentioned before. It may not seem like a big deal....but sharing that with him, for me, was.

So, I hope that you find the masks that you're wearing and take them off. Maybe we can be brave together.