What I've been warned about

I'm not leaving my desk for lunch today...so I'm trying to think about what other soapbox I can get up on...

I watched Apocalypto on Sunday. It was a good movie, but one that you don't realize is good until a few days after you watch it. Weird Mel Gibson!
It's hard to explain it. But basically a group of people in (maybe) the Mayan area were taken hostage by another tribe. They were marched for 3 days to make a blood sacrifice to the gods to atone for something or another.
The main characters name was Jaguar Paw.
Their necks are tied to bamboo poles to keep them in line while they march.
They pass through a burnt down village and there is a scene that has a little girl kneeling next to her dead mother crying.
When the little girl sees the men all marching by she runs to them. One of the captors says to stay away from her she has the life taking disease. The captor she's running at picks up a branch and starts pushing her back with it. He pushes her pretty hard, she's grunting trying to get them to let her close to them.
Again and again she is pushed back with the branch, and again and again she runs towards them trying desperately to be close to them. To be comforted, to be held, to be loved even?
She then gets pretty pissed and starts prophesying about how the day will turn to night and then back to day again (eclipse) and the Jaguar will see revenge for this. (yeah I didn't really get it either, watch the movie I don't feel like explaining it)

But that little girl did a good job. I thought about the ways I constantly run again and again into a branch that someone is using to keep me at bay. (of course it's figurative!)
I seem to latch on to these people at the oddest times, times when it is obvious not a good time for them to invest in me and then I am terribly dissapointed and upset that they don't want to be in relation to me....in whatever way that means. It's like I'm setting them up to fail, to let me down. All for the pleasure of saying, see, see, people will let you down and you can't depend on them. No one wants to be in relation to me.
But it's not them, do you see? It's me. I seem to seek out these people intentionally so I can curl up with my lonliness each night confident that the error, that the wrong is not on my part. That it's others that are unable, or unwilling to be close. When the truth is, I'm terrified, absolutely petrified to move forward into a relationship that could leave me feeling damaged and raw.
I don't know how to move past it. I don't know how to process the reasons that I feel this way. I'm pretty sure I know what most of them are.....and I thought that once I knew the reasons I would be able to find the answers on how to move past that fear into relationships. But that didn't happen so now what?
So now I just keep running towards captors with branches that push me away. I hold on to the convenient excuse that the fault lies with them not me.
I wait.

Oh, and I saw on some entertainment show last night an interview with John Mayer (I know). He said, "You know, someday we'll be 80, looking back at all these problems we had, and we'll realize they're just laughable, not that big a deal"