Maybe I'm more then a place in your bed

Quite possibly one of my favorite parts of this "New Language" song by The Myriad.
It would be so easy I think, to just find someone to fill up the space that is in my bed. Someone that is physically there to (well after searching there really isn't a not gross word....)
It would be so easy to just find someone that I would share a part of my life with, that I would share a part of my heart and soul with, a part of my passion and perhaps obsession.
Some lonely days I think that maybe it would be OK to only have someone as a place in my bed. Some days when I'm surrounded by those in love, those fighting the good fight of staying together till death do they part do I want someone so badly I can taste it.
I've gone back and forth about posting this, this way. Because I realize there are maybe particular people reading this, that I'm not sure I would have this conversation with normally. Some days I can't decide if it's brave or masochistic to spill all that is in my head in the way that I do, on here and to people in person, on the phone etc.
But I've lived that way. Filling space, filling what I thought would fill me. All that happened was I felt emptier and emptier. The emptiness is palpable. Made worse by the distance I would put between God and I during these rebellious times, these times when I had the choice of obedience or my way in front of me and I would repeatedly choose my way because it gave the quickest payoff. I"m no longer talking about just the space in my bed at this juncture.
I fill the space in my heart, my head, my hands with all sorts of thoughts and behaviours, ideas and opinions, sounds and sights that drive me farther and farther from God somedays.
The days that I think it would be easier to find someone that just fills these spaces are dwindling. More and more I want to find someone that will be everywhere with me. The cynic says that's not possible, that that type of match doesn't exist, isn't realistic. But the hopeless romantic lover in me says that she doesn't care, she's holding out anyway.
I can't change anything about the life behind me. It's done, it's over, and that's about that.
The other line that I like is this:
"It's a tight navigation To fight my way into the space in your head"
I like it because it reminds me of almost every relationship I've ever had. It's like I had to carry a crowbar in my purse just to pry my way into their life, like these fellas just couldn't be bothered to want me around for more then the time being, the time being being the place aforementioned. It's easy to be flip about it in the light of day. To say it's no big deal, to say that it doesn't matter, to say that it hasn't completely changed the way I see myself when I look in the mirror, the way I interact with fellas now. It's easy to say whatever and move on being funny and sarcastic.
It's difficult to say that the other line in the song I like is:
"Find a word for us other then shame"
Because even in the culture, in the society that we all are very well aware or, that is still the word that is branded on my mind. The jokes, they're funny. The talk, it's oh so titillating...heck, even that word is pretty hot. But the bed, it's still empty in the morning isn't it? I'm still no closer to being more then a place in someones bed, the crowbar is no more successful in getting me into that space in their head.

So where does that leave me? Making tough decisions and risking losing friendships that I cherish with people? Friendships that I have no real reason to believe will end if I make these decisions, but the shame in me is shaming me into continuing down this path for fear of not being loved, seen, wanted. Transitioning into another role in peoples minds? It was freaking difficult transitioning into the role of Christian in the first place given my hatred of all things God related even the day before. Ben said on Sunday that we don't know when we get lost. That we just look up one day and lost we are. If we knew when we got lost we could go back to that place and get unlost.
"We could learn a new language and talk like we know"

So I could learn a new language I suppose. A language that involves bravery and decisiveness. A language that involves not backing down and not hiding what I'm feeling behind innuendo and witty banter for fear of rejection.
It could work out, it could be OK. It could suck, I could fall on my face and lose face. We'll soon see won't we.