Foreign

I was reading this article today, which I stumbled across because of this blog.
While I understand that this article is particularly about homosexual Christian there were a few parts that stuck with me.

The idea of marriage/romantic relationships seems so foreign to me. Like I just can't imagine what it might be like to be in one at this point. I remember what it was like being in them. But that was before. Before when I was all dramatic and obsessed and caught up in every thing that the other person was doing. Back when I had to completely align my identity to the other person so they would continue to want to be with me.
I'm doing Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Last night we talked about chapter 5, which is when Esther has invited Xerses and Haman to a banquet. In verse 9 it starts out with Haman in a good mood, until he sees Mordecai refusing to bow to him at the gate. When he sees Mordecai, Hamen is "filled with wrath" Beth Moore asked in her study if we have anyone like that in our lives. Anyone that when we see them, no matter what our mood is at the time, we are filled with wrath, or obsession, or jealousy, or because of the one person/thing/situation in the midst of so much joy and goodness that is icky.
Other than random reality show contestants I don't really feel that way. For the most part I try to not be irrationally filled with wrath, because it's just exhausting. But I am filled with obsessive thoughts of a different variety.
I dissect conversations, phone calls, visits etc. By the time my head begins to clear I have almost completely emotionally spun out.
I'm really over it.
I've been distancing myself slowly from the main person that causes this to happen. Because it really is like spinning your emotional wheels in the mud with this guy.
But really, if I'm going to be honest it's not this guy that does it, it's me. I cause it to happen. I continue to think that I'll allow myself just one little thought, one little what if moment and then I'll stop.
It's a slippery slope those stolen moments. Before I know it, I'm in a puddle...confused and upset.

I think the reason marriage and relationships that lead to that are so foreign to me is because I do not trust that I won't become that person full time again. But I also seem completely unwilling to release that obsessive part of me to God. Because I keep thinking, "I got this one".
When I so clearly do not.