Sober

Never again, I swore it I proclaimed it silently into my pillow, aloud to the empty house.
Never again, I cried on my knees begging for absolution. Never again I all but chanted. Remove this from me Oh God. Take this away from me and never again allow it to return.
The sobriety that I long for is not from liquid and powder. It is not from any drug that can be injected or ingested, puffed up and blown out. My drug of choice is sinister, silent, but equally as devastating to my heart.

I've heard myself cry never again over and over. I've given up and given in, I've turned and run away and towards my drug of choice. I've waited petulantly, I have screamed until I reached the end of my voice and cried until my eyes were dry.
But it is still calling. Come and play, just this once, God won't notice. Softly seducing my resolve into pieces and tricking me into believing I must face this on my own.

Never again, I swear it again. Never again will I believe the lie that God won't notice. Never again will I believe the slithering in my head. But the slithering reminds me that I will fail. That I will collapse into the arms of my temptation.
Never again will I forget the clear and corrective voice of a God guiding me back to the path of sobriety. He didn't stutter. He was very clear.

It is not for you
This is not what I want for you, it is not what will bring you closer to me and it will not glorify me.
It was at times a whisper of a voice. But it has more often then not been a banshee of a yell that I drown out and ignore.

Never again is a promise I can't make, but one that I make still.
Never again is my prayer of supplication
Never again