December 1 Chocolate Day with Amber, super productive and BtLoG. So many good things today!
December 2 Beauty and the Beast from the 80s is on Netflix!
December 3 Leaving the office was today's good thing
December 4 Dinner with Alexis, laughing at my open mouth gawping
December 5 Mario Kart; I will miss you when I'm in Australia
December 6 Packing for a weekend trip, using my new backpack!
December 7 Heading to Tennessee and a work Christmas party
December 8 Moonshine and free whiskey samples
December 9 Talking in a Southern Accent with Pete is always a good time. We are also opening an advice shop in an old Rallys, but we are only giving out 1 piece of advice.
December 10 Driving home, so rainy. But I was showing off my killer rap skillz in the car
December 11 Therapy is my favorite
December 12 T-Minus 1 week until I am off work for 3 weeks and 1 day!
December 13 Happy Getting into Lee University, Kirsten!
December 14 Last Geek Games of the session.
December 15 Starting to pack!
December 16 MY first service in the new church building. Gosh I love my church
December 17 LAST MONDAY AT WORK UNTIL 1/14! LOUD NOISES
December 18 Girlfriends Night Out!
December 19 Done with work as of 1pm until 1/10. Watching The Hobbit with Claire
December 20 Day off work, baking and doing last minute prep for AUSTRALIA!
December 21 Feel like I overpacked and my suitcases are still underweight is AWESOME
December 22 Linn Family Christmas Eve!
December 23 Linn Family Christmas!
December 24 Campus Polleyeyes
December 25 Leaving on a jet plane for Australia! Squeezed a compliment out of Dad for handling our travel issues so well
December 26 Got into the Sky Club with Delta. Open top shelf bar before 11am after 24 hours of travel craziness? Yes please!
December 27 Business class is my favorite
December 28 Arrived in Australia! Bondi Beach!
December 29 Sydney Aquarium! Walking around Darling Harbor. Swiss Ice Cream!
December 30 More Sydney Shopping. The Rocks! Circular Quay!
December 31 NYE Cruise. Fireworks ok the harbor, drinks and talking to strangers. Dancing on a boat and "I can't believe I didn't see the fireworks!" chick on the bus
12.19.2012
12.01.2012
Good Things: November
November1 Cable at the dogsitting house!
November2 Hijinks in Walmart with Stacy and Pete
November3 Reckner Halloween Party
November4 Sleeping in my own bed again
November5 Sleeping in my own bed is the best good thing
November6 Telling the story of how I thought I was deaf but was just turning the radio down
November7 New music is my favorite
November8 Family Night
November9 Happy Birthday, Katy!
November10 Small Group at the Robertsons
November11 Say Yes to the Dress with Stacy is awesome fun
November12 Fuzzy day, sick
November13 Fuzzy fuzzy sick brain
November14 Sick, giving myself permission to bail on plans and go home to do nothing
November15 Went to bed at 8pm and loved every minute of it
November16 Happy Birthday, Nicole!
November17 Amber and I in public are awesome
November18 Relaxing at home, hoping to kick this cold
November19 I love the movie Stranger than Fiction
November20 Had to skip GNO, but grateful for Mylina stepping in and leading so I could rest
November21 Game planning with Mom for Black Friday shopping
November22 Thanksgiving! Good food and good times with family
November23 Fun shopping with Mom, Sharen and Nicole on Black Friday
November24 Fun shopping with Dad and Sharen
November25 Shopping and a movie with Pete. We're ridiculous when we're together
November26 Bonus Day off! 2nd Thanksgiving!
November27 Free lunch at work I forgot about
November28 Leftover 2nd Thanksgiving
November29 Making up songs and teasing Kirsten at family night
November30 Simpkins Going Away Party, I'm going to miss that lady
November2 Hijinks in Walmart with Stacy and Pete
November3 Reckner Halloween Party
November4 Sleeping in my own bed again
November5 Sleeping in my own bed is the best good thing
November6 Telling the story of how I thought I was deaf but was just turning the radio down
November7 New music is my favorite
November8 Family Night
November9 Happy Birthday, Katy!
November10 Small Group at the Robertsons
November11 Say Yes to the Dress with Stacy is awesome fun
November12 Fuzzy day, sick
November13 Fuzzy fuzzy sick brain
November14 Sick, giving myself permission to bail on plans and go home to do nothing
November15 Went to bed at 8pm and loved every minute of it
November16 Happy Birthday, Nicole!
November17 Amber and I in public are awesome
November18 Relaxing at home, hoping to kick this cold
November19 I love the movie Stranger than Fiction
November20 Had to skip GNO, but grateful for Mylina stepping in and leading so I could rest
November21 Game planning with Mom for Black Friday shopping
November22 Thanksgiving! Good food and good times with family
November23 Fun shopping with Mom, Sharen and Nicole on Black Friday
November24 Fun shopping with Dad and Sharen
November25 Shopping and a movie with Pete. We're ridiculous when we're together
November26 Bonus Day off! 2nd Thanksgiving!
November27 Free lunch at work I forgot about
November28 Leftover 2nd Thanksgiving
November29 Making up songs and teasing Kirsten at family night
November30 Simpkins Going Away Party, I'm going to miss that lady
11.01.2012
Good Things: October
October 1 My promotion was announced at work
October 2 It's Customer Service Week!
October 3 PJ's all day at work
October 4 Free food and more PJ's at work
October 5 More free food and awesome Customer Service t-shirts
October 6 Matthew's Special Day!
October 7 Recovering from Matthew's special day, cleaning the house
October 8 Started the transition off the phone to my new position
October 9 Fun fact learned today: The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
October 10 Shopping for liquor and getting paid for it during work
October 11 Early bedtime
October 12 Hanging out with Amber, Darren and Pete is my favorite
October 13 New hair! Lunch with Claire! Unexpected small group that was awesomely hilarious!
October 14 Great message at church on the Sabbath, dinner with Alexis. Reminders that generational sin while not out fault is pervasive. Old friends that have traveled through a lot of life with you are the best.
October 15 Productive night at home
October 16 Pete's home early!
October 17 Kate Morton's new book is out!
October 18 Good conversation with Shelby
October 19 Happy Birthday, Amber!
October 20 Thankful for friends who outright tell me I'm valuable and consistently redeem friendship as worth it
October 21 Cable at the dog sitting house!
October 22 Productive day at work today
October 23 Thankful for therapy today
October 24 Sleeping in my own bed
October 25 Last visit to The Dip of the season
October 26 Geek Games
October 27 Drinking and Mario Kart
October 28 Naps are the best
October 29 Watching ER before bed
October 30 Mario Kart is still such a good good thing
October 31 Kids in cute Halloween costumes
October 2 It's Customer Service Week!
October 3 PJ's all day at work
October 4 Free food and more PJ's at work
October 5 More free food and awesome Customer Service t-shirts
October 6 Matthew's Special Day!
October 7 Recovering from Matthew's special day, cleaning the house
October 8 Started the transition off the phone to my new position
October 9 Fun fact learned today: The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
October 10 Shopping for liquor and getting paid for it during work
October 11 Early bedtime
October 12 Hanging out with Amber, Darren and Pete is my favorite
October 13 New hair! Lunch with Claire! Unexpected small group that was awesomely hilarious!
October 14 Great message at church on the Sabbath, dinner with Alexis. Reminders that generational sin while not out fault is pervasive. Old friends that have traveled through a lot of life with you are the best.
October 15 Productive night at home
October 16 Pete's home early!
October 17 Kate Morton's new book is out!
October 18 Good conversation with Shelby
October 19 Happy Birthday, Amber!
October 20 Thankful for friends who outright tell me I'm valuable and consistently redeem friendship as worth it
October 21 Cable at the dog sitting house!
October 22 Productive day at work today
October 23 Thankful for therapy today
October 24 Sleeping in my own bed
October 25 Last visit to The Dip of the season
October 26 Geek Games
October 27 Drinking and Mario Kart
October 28 Naps are the best
October 29 Watching ER before bed
October 30 Mario Kart is still such a good good thing
October 31 Kids in cute Halloween costumes
10.20.2012
This Morning
It struck me this morning as I cut the flowers and filled out the card that this is the first friend i made after it all crashed down.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.
I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.
She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.
I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.
She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.
10.14.2012
Wake Up
When I was young I didn't know that divorce existed. I didn't know that marriages could end. I was young when an uncle went through a divorce and because it was news to me that marriages could end I asked my parents why my uncle wasn't married to my aunt anymore.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.
Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.
It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.
I know, duh. Right?
Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.
If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.
It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.
Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.
It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.
I know, duh. Right?
Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.
If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.
It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.
10.01.2012
Good Things: September
September 1 A pitcher of Sangria & tipsy bookstore roaming with Angie
September 2 Dog-sitting with cable
September 3 Clearing out the camo room in preparation for the conversion to grown up guest room
September 4 My new awesome water bottle came! It says, "There's a chance this is vodka"
September 5 I love that Pete is letting me read my hilarious book out loud to him. Even when I laugh to hard to actually read.
September 6 Accusing Angie of being drunk all day and wiping the floor with George the Glow-worm in Mario Kart
September 7 Peeling 4 layers of high gloss paint off the walls with Amber, Darren & Pete. They're my favorite people
September 8 Lazy Saturday interrupted by bursts of productivity
September 9 Reds Game with Pete, Sharen & Matthew
September 10 Yummy stuffed pepper casserole
September 11 The Voice is back on TV, it touches me in my spirit
September 12 Early morning encouragement and care over "coffee" (because I drink water not coffee) with Ben
September 13 Watching Newsroom at the dog sitting house
September 14 Rosh Hashanah, wait are you Russian and talking about my Kris Kross birthday party while at work
September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew! You're my favorite nephew!
September 16 ColdStone Ice Cream
September 17 Chugged through a lot of work today
September 18 Girlfriends Night Out!
September 19 Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets for the first time in a week
September 20 I know what we can reward them with, parrots and fire breathing Weight Watchers!
September 21 Dinner, drinks and on the patio with a fire
September 22 Fun at Costco and out with Pete & Angie
September 23 Slept a lot today and loved every minute of it
September 24 Got the date for when some work news will be announced
September 25 3 Months until Australia!
September 26 Reading out loud to Pete from a hilarious book. I love that he lets me read out loud to him
September 27 Chiropractic care, finally!
September 28 Geek Games is back!
September 29 Apple Fest
September 30 4 Corners Church is always my good thing on Sundays. I really love my church
September 2 Dog-sitting with cable
September 3 Clearing out the camo room in preparation for the conversion to grown up guest room
September 4 My new awesome water bottle came! It says, "There's a chance this is vodka"
September 5 I love that Pete is letting me read my hilarious book out loud to him. Even when I laugh to hard to actually read.
September 6 Accusing Angie of being drunk all day and wiping the floor with George the Glow-worm in Mario Kart
September 7 Peeling 4 layers of high gloss paint off the walls with Amber, Darren & Pete. They're my favorite people
September 8 Lazy Saturday interrupted by bursts of productivity
September 9 Reds Game with Pete, Sharen & Matthew
September 10 Yummy stuffed pepper casserole
September 11 The Voice is back on TV, it touches me in my spirit
September 12 Early morning encouragement and care over "coffee" (because I drink water not coffee) with Ben
September 13 Watching Newsroom at the dog sitting house
September 14 Rosh Hashanah, wait are you Russian and talking about my Kris Kross birthday party while at work
September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew! You're my favorite nephew!
September 16 ColdStone Ice Cream
September 17 Chugged through a lot of work today
September 18 Girlfriends Night Out!
September 19 Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets for the first time in a week
September 20 I know what we can reward them with, parrots and fire breathing Weight Watchers!
September 21 Dinner, drinks and on the patio with a fire
September 22 Fun at Costco and out with Pete & Angie
September 23 Slept a lot today and loved every minute of it
September 24 Got the date for when some work news will be announced
September 25 3 Months until Australia!
September 26 Reading out loud to Pete from a hilarious book. I love that he lets me read out loud to him
September 27 Chiropractic care, finally!
September 28 Geek Games is back!
September 29 Apple Fest
September 30 4 Corners Church is always my good thing on Sundays. I really love my church
9.05.2012
Hiding
When I was a little girl I learned I should hide
Hide from shaming eyes and sharp tongues
Hide from shadows and secrets I didn't understand
When I was a little girl I didn't know my voice could be strong when it needed to be
I only knew to bite and lash out when it was safest, when I knew no matter how ugly I was I would still be loved
When I was a little girl I learned to hide.
I learned to hide my heart because it it was bad
I learned to hide my thoughts because they were stupid
I learned to hide myself because I was scared of harsh words and pushing hands
I hid myself in bathrooms, behind davenports, on stairs to scary basements, under dining room tables.
Because there I could taste the derision and ambivalence in the air while pretending it had no affect on my small, breaking heart.
When I was an older girl I learned to hide behind anger and sarcasm, scoffing and ambivalence. I accidentally became the kind of girl the angry shaming voices were when I was small.
And God said stop.
Stop with the anger, stop with the scoffing and ambivalence. (He would have said stop with the sarcasm but he thinks I'm hilarious)
He's challenged me to heal, to soften, to stop being the scared hiding girl who refuses to be anything but angry.
It's hard. I cry more now. But I'm holding on to it being worth it in the end.
Hide from shaming eyes and sharp tongues
Hide from shadows and secrets I didn't understand
When I was a little girl I didn't know my voice could be strong when it needed to be
I only knew to bite and lash out when it was safest, when I knew no matter how ugly I was I would still be loved
When I was a little girl I learned to hide.
I learned to hide my heart because it it was bad
I learned to hide my thoughts because they were stupid
I learned to hide myself because I was scared of harsh words and pushing hands
I hid myself in bathrooms, behind davenports, on stairs to scary basements, under dining room tables.
Because there I could taste the derision and ambivalence in the air while pretending it had no affect on my small, breaking heart.
When I was an older girl I learned to hide behind anger and sarcasm, scoffing and ambivalence. I accidentally became the kind of girl the angry shaming voices were when I was small.
And God said stop.
Stop with the anger, stop with the scoffing and ambivalence. (He would have said stop with the sarcasm but he thinks I'm hilarious)
He's challenged me to heal, to soften, to stop being the scared hiding girl who refuses to be anything but angry.
It's hard. I cry more now. But I'm holding on to it being worth it in the end.
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