It's been almost 10 years since I started following Jesus and I still fear I don't know how to talk to God.
It's daunting, this idea of talking to God and the audacity to believe that he hears and cares.
So I talk to him like I talk to everyone else. For about 6 months last year the only prayer, and I mean the ONLY prayer I could figure out how to pray is "I'm still here, are you still there?"
Because I didn't know.
I didn't know if he was still there and I really didn't know if I was still here. I felt disconnected and disjointed. I felt like a fish trying to climb a tree.
Sometimes I yell at him. Asking him why I even need to say anything if he is an all knowing God he knows what I need and what I'm going to say before I even say it.
He knows what sin I struggle with and the anger and bitterness I was barely keeping off the edges of my heart at the time.
He knew that night when I said, "Dammit, I'm going to be pissed because it was SHITTY and I was hurt and I am PISSED."
He knew when the anger and bitterness invaded my head and heart and pushed all the hope and joy out into a pile of shit in the alley.
He knew when I started unraveling the stories of abuse and disdain from growing up for the first time.
He knew when I realized that just because it wasn't someones fault, and just because I know they were doing the best they could with what they had didn't mean I couldn't still wish it had been different.
Yet still I struggle. Wishing there was a black and white checklist to tell me if I was doing ok with God or if I needed to adjust something here or maybe there. Because it would be so much easier to just be able to check off a list, to follow the rules and the letter of the law and KNOW for a fact I was doing the right things and saying the right things.
But that's not how a relationship with Jesus is. It's wrestling, it's the gross every day messy relationships we all struggle with. It's a square peg in the round hole of legalism wanting more of my heart that of my blind obedience. Does God want my obedience? Of course he does.
He also wants my heart, and he wants my desire for obedience and my desire for following the heart of the law more than the completed check list of an ambilivent girl.
So I wrestle. I sometimes talk sassy to Jesus because that's how I talk to my friends and loved ones and he is my friend and loved one like no one else.
One day I might realize that the characteristics of my abusers and those that have left me and let me down are not the characteristics of God. I mean, I know that now with my head. But my heart, battered and weary of feeling strung up and locked out is a little more hesitant to comply.
So I hold on, I ask God if he's still there. I read the bible and put the bible down annoyed and pick it back up knowing that the character of God is not based on mood or emotion.
I know that God is good. All the time. I know that 10 years in I feel more entangled in a love affair with Jesus than ever before. It's just messier.
4.26.2012
3.09.2012
Spilled Milk
I don't remember how it started
But I was there
Sitting on the floor
A ring
Two glasses of milk
(no I don't know why either)
I called you
I asked you to come
I told you I couldn't move forward unless you came
So you came
Reluctantly
With a chip on your shoulder
You came
I told you calmly while drinking milk (still don't know)
I couldn't do this
You were ambivalent to me
Ambivalence is my death
I deserve your passion
I handed the ring back
I told you to fight for me
I asked you to fight for me
I required you to fight for me
Because I deserved to be fought for
I deserved to be cherished
I deserved to be considered
The room was empty
But for you, me, a ring
Two glasses of milk, one full, one empty
You stood
Nudged the still full glass of milk with your shoe
Pushed it over
Walked away
I sat there, still
No ring
Crying over milk, spilled
But I was there
Sitting on the floor
A ring
Two glasses of milk
(no I don't know why either)
I called you
I asked you to come
I told you I couldn't move forward unless you came
So you came
Reluctantly
With a chip on your shoulder
You came
I told you calmly while drinking milk (still don't know)
I couldn't do this
You were ambivalent to me
Ambivalence is my death
I deserve your passion
I handed the ring back
I told you to fight for me
I asked you to fight for me
I required you to fight for me
Because I deserved to be fought for
I deserved to be cherished
I deserved to be considered
The room was empty
But for you, me, a ring
Two glasses of milk, one full, one empty
You stood
Nudged the still full glass of milk with your shoe
Pushed it over
Walked away
I sat there, still
No ring
Crying over milk, spilled
2.01.2012
Used to Know
Driving down the road on an unseasonably warm winter day I hear snippets and melodies of what we used to be I feel chilled and pull on a coat of sadness and the scarf of shame thinking on how things have failed between us
I light a cigarette of anger and flick the violent ash of revenge and remorse out the window wondering what you are doing now
I feel I couldn't even begin to guess right
Because you're just someone I used to know
Telling light hearted stories I hear myself adjusting the tense of us from current to former
I play the tears of sorrow off as uncontrolled glee at the remembrance of our silliness, because it's been too long to still acceptably be so damn sorrowful over missing you
Churning like the snow that hasn't fallen this winter my heart flips back and forth between desperately wishing to have you back and feeling relief that the miles separating us match the miles apart our hearts have grown
I watch people passing me by in stores and find myself wondering what would happen should we meet again. I fear that you will simply treat me as a stranger. Measuring the kindness doled out to me against that you would give anyone else and pretending we were never more to each other than ships passing in the night
My heart still burns wishing I could return to that afternoon in the fading light. So scared and confused wondering how this person I loved so fiercely transformed into someone I used to know
I light a cigarette of anger and flick the violent ash of revenge and remorse out the window wondering what you are doing now
I feel I couldn't even begin to guess right
Because you're just someone I used to know
Telling light hearted stories I hear myself adjusting the tense of us from current to former
I play the tears of sorrow off as uncontrolled glee at the remembrance of our silliness, because it's been too long to still acceptably be so damn sorrowful over missing you
Churning like the snow that hasn't fallen this winter my heart flips back and forth between desperately wishing to have you back and feeling relief that the miles separating us match the miles apart our hearts have grown
I watch people passing me by in stores and find myself wondering what would happen should we meet again. I fear that you will simply treat me as a stranger. Measuring the kindness doled out to me against that you would give anyone else and pretending we were never more to each other than ships passing in the night
My heart still burns wishing I could return to that afternoon in the fading light. So scared and confused wondering how this person I loved so fiercely transformed into someone I used to know
1.12.2012
Dried Up
Sometimes it feels like all of my words have dried up
As if over time they slowly evaporated leaving nothing but that scummy film behind
There are still good things, great things
There are still friends, laughter, sorrow and contentment
But I've lost my words
More and more through this season (gosh, I've come to hate the term season) I'm finding that my words have been removed
I didn't misplace them, I didn't leave them at a restaurant or some one's house. I find that my words have been almost surgically removed
The funny thing about God sometimes is that when he asks you to do something he really means it. He means to have you rest when he asks you to rest. He means to have you be quiet when he asks you to be quiet. He means you to be still when he asks you to be still.
I find myself sitting alone with God and opening my mouth to pray. But all the words are gone. People ask me how I am, how I'm doing, what's new, what my plans are and I open my mouth like a fish out of water. My mouth just opens and shuts and nothing comes out.
I find myself shut down. Not in the "I'm taking my ball and going home" sort of way but in the action, task oriented sort of way.
I don't know when it will end or what it will be like. But I'm almost starting to believe that I can be loved just because I breathe; that I can be liked even when I'm disagreeable and that even when I do nothing I still have value because I am a daughter of the King.
If losing my words for awhile results in finally truly believing that my value is in Christ alone; I'm ok with that.
As if over time they slowly evaporated leaving nothing but that scummy film behind
There are still good things, great things
There are still friends, laughter, sorrow and contentment
But I've lost my words
More and more through this season (gosh, I've come to hate the term season) I'm finding that my words have been removed
I didn't misplace them, I didn't leave them at a restaurant or some one's house. I find that my words have been almost surgically removed
The funny thing about God sometimes is that when he asks you to do something he really means it. He means to have you rest when he asks you to rest. He means to have you be quiet when he asks you to be quiet. He means you to be still when he asks you to be still.
I find myself sitting alone with God and opening my mouth to pray. But all the words are gone. People ask me how I am, how I'm doing, what's new, what my plans are and I open my mouth like a fish out of water. My mouth just opens and shuts and nothing comes out.
I find myself shut down. Not in the "I'm taking my ball and going home" sort of way but in the action, task oriented sort of way.
I don't know when it will end or what it will be like. But I'm almost starting to believe that I can be loved just because I breathe; that I can be liked even when I'm disagreeable and that even when I do nothing I still have value because I am a daughter of the King.
If losing my words for awhile results in finally truly believing that my value is in Christ alone; I'm ok with that.
12.30.2011
Book List
Rather than review every book as I read them, which I found quite mundane (I'm...not a reviewer). I thought I'd list out the books I read with links and a general good, great, couldn't put it down, or couldn't finish it.
Here's the books I read in 2011:
1- Vanishing and Other Stories: Loved the first handful of stories than petered out and couldn't finish. But they were all kind of depressing stories and I was kind of depressed which wasn't a good combination. Mix between good and couldn't finish it.
2- Every Last One: Loved it. Couldn't put it down. Which was unfortunate last one night when I realized I had just read about a home invasion and triple homicide right before I was supposed to lay down and go to sleep.
3- Blessings: Loved it. Couldn't put it down and couldn't quite figure out what what going to happen when.
4- The Improper Life of Bezelia Grove: As soon as I read about this one over at The Lost Entwife I knew that like her it was a book for me. Hellllo improper life! It was amazing. I couldn't put it down and read it in two days. So amazing.
5- Putting Away Childish Things- I thought it was a good book. It was a bit academic in it's discussion of faith, but it was a discussion of faith in an academic setting so I wouldn't really have expected less.
6- Girl In Translation - Very good. Inspiring story of a girl growing up straddling the old world and the new world.
7- Room - AMAZING. Could not put it down.
8- Where the God of Love Hangs Out - Only ok. Compilation of short stories, some of which were actually small novellas.
9- Unbearable Lightness - Very good, read 1/2 of it one day and finished it the next
10- Autobiography of Mark Twain Volume 1 -I wanted to like this, I really really did. Since he had put a ban on publishing it for 100 years after his death I thought there would be salacious things in it. It read more like a land survey and political meet and greet. It might have gotten better, but it was a brick of a book and I only made it a few hundred pages in.
11- Black Heels to Tractor Wheels - Couldn't put it down. So swoony and lovely
12- The Distant Hours - So juicily suspenseful and a little creepy. LOVE Kate Morton and am sad that I have finished her last book (there are only 3). READ these books. They are AMAZING.
13- The Weight of Silence - Amazing. Couldn't put it down and read it late in the night and at stoplights
14- These Things Hidden - Same author as #13, also couldn't put it down and gasped audibly at one point (or 4)
15. Little Bird of Heaven -Good, I read it while reading 3 other non-fictions books so it took a bit to get through it but it was worth it by the end
16. Don't Breathe a Word - Couldn't put it down. I read it in about 6 hours straight with a break for making pasta salad for a cookout. Deliciously creepy, I had to finish it in one sitting because I needed to find the logical ending to make sure the creepy other worldly stuff didn't keep me up tonight.
17. Place of Yes -I have amassive slight obsession with Bethenny Frankel. So I bought this book because it was about her and her journey and I loved it. Not everything was my bag, but that's ok, I still think she's amazeballs
18- Alice, I Have Been - SO GOOD. I read it in a weekend. So juicy and historically swoony
19- The Help - I really didn't want to like this book because it was so popular..but I really really loved it and couldn't put it down for the most part. I also talked like domestic help in rural 60's Mississippi which was fun for Pete.
20- The Art of Forgetting- I stayed up way to late reading this book, like 2am when I had to be up at 6am book. Interesting story involving the dynamics of when the more dominant friend changes because of traumatic brain injury. Very..coming into her own story from the point of view of the more submissive friend
21- Heaven- Ok, I know they're garbage. I just got a wild hair to read the series again. So I did.
22- Dark Angel - 2nd in the Heaven series. The more I read them the more appalled I am that I read them before I was even a teenager. But now, they're just campy fun.
23- Fallen Hearts- 3rd in the Heaven series, again...so appalled that I read them so young but can't put them down...again
24- Gates of Paradise- 4th in the Heaven series
25- Web of Dreams- 5th and final installment of the Casteel family drama
25- Last Letter from Your Lover - Very good, a little confusing with all the flashbacks but it all sorted out deliciously.
26 - If I Stay - This and book 27 ago together. So good and compelling.
27- Where She Went - Quick read, but still very compelling and good. Reminder of all the collateral damage that trauma to people you love but aren't technically your "family" can cause and how hard it is to recover from all the fractures.
28- Once Was Lost - Very compelling and I didn't guess who did it which is a big plus
29- Sisters in Sanity - So good, the same author of books 26 & 27
30- The Legacy - Creepily good and a nice twist at the end
Here's the books I read in 2011:
1- Vanishing and Other Stories: Loved the first handful of stories than petered out and couldn't finish. But they were all kind of depressing stories and I was kind of depressed which wasn't a good combination. Mix between good and couldn't finish it.
2- Every Last One: Loved it. Couldn't put it down. Which was unfortunate last one night when I realized I had just read about a home invasion and triple homicide right before I was supposed to lay down and go to sleep.
3- Blessings: Loved it. Couldn't put it down and couldn't quite figure out what what going to happen when.
4- The Improper Life of Bezelia Grove: As soon as I read about this one over at The Lost Entwife I knew that like her it was a book for me. Hellllo improper life! It was amazing. I couldn't put it down and read it in two days. So amazing.
5- Putting Away Childish Things- I thought it was a good book. It was a bit academic in it's discussion of faith, but it was a discussion of faith in an academic setting so I wouldn't really have expected less.
6- Girl In Translation - Very good. Inspiring story of a girl growing up straddling the old world and the new world.
7- Room - AMAZING. Could not put it down.
8- Where the God of Love Hangs Out - Only ok. Compilation of short stories, some of which were actually small novellas.
9- Unbearable Lightness - Very good, read 1/2 of it one day and finished it the next
10- Autobiography of Mark Twain Volume 1 -I wanted to like this, I really really did. Since he had put a ban on publishing it for 100 years after his death I thought there would be salacious things in it. It read more like a land survey and political meet and greet. It might have gotten better, but it was a brick of a book and I only made it a few hundred pages in.
11- Black Heels to Tractor Wheels - Couldn't put it down. So swoony and lovely
12- The Distant Hours - So juicily suspenseful and a little creepy. LOVE Kate Morton and am sad that I have finished her last book (there are only 3). READ these books. They are AMAZING.
13- The Weight of Silence - Amazing. Couldn't put it down and read it late in the night and at stoplights
14- These Things Hidden - Same author as #13, also couldn't put it down and gasped audibly at one point (or 4)
15. Little Bird of Heaven -Good, I read it while reading 3 other non-fictions books so it took a bit to get through it but it was worth it by the end
16. Don't Breathe a Word - Couldn't put it down. I read it in about 6 hours straight with a break for making pasta salad for a cookout. Deliciously creepy, I had to finish it in one sitting because I needed to find the logical ending to make sure the creepy other worldly stuff didn't keep me up tonight.
17. Place of Yes -I have a
18- Alice, I Have Been - SO GOOD. I read it in a weekend. So juicy and historically swoony
19- The Help - I really didn't want to like this book because it was so popular..but I really really loved it and couldn't put it down for the most part. I also talked like domestic help in rural 60's Mississippi which was fun for Pete.
20- The Art of Forgetting- I stayed up way to late reading this book, like 2am when I had to be up at 6am book. Interesting story involving the dynamics of when the more dominant friend changes because of traumatic brain injury. Very..coming into her own story from the point of view of the more submissive friend
21- Heaven- Ok, I know they're garbage. I just got a wild hair to read the series again. So I did.
22- Dark Angel - 2nd in the Heaven series. The more I read them the more appalled I am that I read them before I was even a teenager. But now, they're just campy fun.
23- Fallen Hearts- 3rd in the Heaven series, again...so appalled that I read them so young but can't put them down...again
24- Gates of Paradise- 4th in the Heaven series
25- Web of Dreams- 5th and final installment of the Casteel family drama
25- Last Letter from Your Lover - Very good, a little confusing with all the flashbacks but it all sorted out deliciously.
26 - If I Stay - This and book 27 ago together. So good and compelling.
27- Where She Went - Quick read, but still very compelling and good. Reminder of all the collateral damage that trauma to people you love but aren't technically your "family" can cause and how hard it is to recover from all the fractures.
28- Once Was Lost - Very compelling and I didn't guess who did it which is a big plus
29- Sisters in Sanity - So good, the same author of books 26 & 27
30- The Legacy - Creepily good and a nice twist at the end
12.02.2011
Poisoned Fruit
I've been watching a lot of Law & Order lately. When they get to the courtroom scenes there is often a battle over what evidence should be admitted in the trial. If one big piece is omitted then it can have a domino effect on a lot of other smaller pieces of evidence.
Fruit of the poisonous tree is what they call that evidence.
That's how life feels lately.
Every broken relationship
Every cutting comment
Every knock down drag out fight
Every shaming scoff
Fruit of the poisonous tree.
The generational sin and brokenness that feels like poison seething through my veins so I want to rip the roots out of my familiy tree and plant it in less fallow ground.
I feel panicked wondering how I can change my own behaviors and attitudes to help change the tide of bitterness, anger and snark that rears its hideous head.
I feel afraid, wounded and damaged. Wishing I could strike back like a snake. Teaching lessons and hurting those that hurt me, shame me and others. Putting a stop to those who belittle and dimiss others. I wish I could shout loud enough to make their eyes open to the damage their indifference and cruelty is causing.
But I can't. I don't have a pretty bow to wrap this all up. All I know is that I am called to be gracious and loving to everyone; even when I feel like they don't deserve it anymore.
The tension for me is in setting boudaries and keeping them while at the same time being gracious and kind.
Loving the best I can the people in our family even when they behave so unloveable.
Fruit of the poisonous tree is what they call that evidence.
That's how life feels lately.
Every broken relationship
Every cutting comment
Every knock down drag out fight
Every shaming scoff
Fruit of the poisonous tree.
The generational sin and brokenness that feels like poison seething through my veins so I want to rip the roots out of my familiy tree and plant it in less fallow ground.
I feel panicked wondering how I can change my own behaviors and attitudes to help change the tide of bitterness, anger and snark that rears its hideous head.
I feel afraid, wounded and damaged. Wishing I could strike back like a snake. Teaching lessons and hurting those that hurt me, shame me and others. Putting a stop to those who belittle and dimiss others. I wish I could shout loud enough to make their eyes open to the damage their indifference and cruelty is causing.
But I can't. I don't have a pretty bow to wrap this all up. All I know is that I am called to be gracious and loving to everyone; even when I feel like they don't deserve it anymore.
The tension for me is in setting boudaries and keeping them while at the same time being gracious and kind.
Loving the best I can the people in our family even when they behave so unloveable.
12.01.2011
Good Things: November
I started late this month, and now I can't remember a good thing for the first 3 days. Whoops!
November 4 Breakfast at work, yum!
November 5 Puss and Boots with Matthew. It was super funny
November 6 Extra hour of sleep!
November 7 Small group time is awesome time. This one time at Meijer...
November 8 Election Day, the day I celebrate the end of hearing about all those electiony things
November 9 Happy Birthday, Katy! I love you!
November 10 Family Night
November 11 Mom and Dad came into town and saw the new kitchen!
November 12 WICKED! LOVE!
November 13 Unexpected Sunday afternoon to myself. I was deliciously unproductive. Extra time with my church peeps too, love them.
November 14 Amber came over to play! Snarky HP watching!
November 15 Therapy is hard, but it's nice being able to share and be validated without emotional blackmail ensuing
November 16 I may never tire of playing Dr. Mario
November 17 Dr. Mario is a game you can play which allows you to not think about anything else
November 18 Friday! It's FRIDAY! I'm so over work right now
November 19 Hair appointment, lunch with a friend and J Edgar movie
November 20 Helping Sharen decorate for Christmas and dinner with friends
November 21 Love my small group. TWINKIES!
November 22 5pm eventually showed up at work, which made me very happy
November 23 Peaceful drive up to my parents house with Sharen, Shelby and Matthew
November 24 Yummy Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping started at 930 and there were some ridiculous laughs in the Elder-Beerman parking lot
November 25 Continued Black Friday shopping until past 4am. A lot of fun!
November 26 Saw the Muppets and laughed a lot
November 27 Sleeping in my own bed!
November 28 Signed up for Pinterest, this may be the beginning of the end
November 29 Entertaining, if useless 4 hour meeting at work where an 80ish year old man talked about his blog more times than required.
November 30 Straight home from work!
November 4 Breakfast at work, yum!
November 5 Puss and Boots with Matthew. It was super funny
November 6 Extra hour of sleep!
November 7 Small group time is awesome time. This one time at Meijer...
November 8 Election Day, the day I celebrate the end of hearing about all those electiony things
November 9 Happy Birthday, Katy! I love you!
November 10 Family Night
November 11 Mom and Dad came into town and saw the new kitchen!
November 12 WICKED! LOVE!
November 13 Unexpected Sunday afternoon to myself. I was deliciously unproductive. Extra time with my church peeps too, love them.
November 14 Amber came over to play! Snarky HP watching!
November 15 Therapy is hard, but it's nice being able to share and be validated without emotional blackmail ensuing
November 16 I may never tire of playing Dr. Mario
November 17 Dr. Mario is a game you can play which allows you to not think about anything else
November 18 Friday! It's FRIDAY! I'm so over work right now
November 19 Hair appointment, lunch with a friend and J Edgar movie
November 20 Helping Sharen decorate for Christmas and dinner with friends
November 21 Love my small group. TWINKIES!
November 22 5pm eventually showed up at work, which made me very happy
November 23 Peaceful drive up to my parents house with Sharen, Shelby and Matthew
November 24 Yummy Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping started at 930 and there were some ridiculous laughs in the Elder-Beerman parking lot
November 25 Continued Black Friday shopping until past 4am. A lot of fun!
November 26 Saw the Muppets and laughed a lot
November 27 Sleeping in my own bed!
November 28 Signed up for Pinterest, this may be the beginning of the end
November 29 Entertaining, if useless 4 hour meeting at work where an 80ish year old man talked about his blog more times than required.
November 30 Straight home from work!
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