October 1 My promotion was announced at work
October 2 It's Customer Service Week!
October 3 PJ's all day at work
October 4 Free food and more PJ's at work
October 5 More free food and awesome Customer Service t-shirts
October 6 Matthew's Special Day!
October 7 Recovering from Matthew's special day, cleaning the house
October 8 Started the transition off the phone to my new position
October 9 Fun fact learned today: The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
October 10 Shopping for liquor and getting paid for it during work
October 11 Early bedtime
October 12 Hanging out with Amber, Darren and Pete is my favorite
October 13 New hair! Lunch with Claire! Unexpected small group that was awesomely hilarious!
October 14 Great message at church on the Sabbath, dinner with Alexis. Reminders that generational sin while not out fault is pervasive. Old friends that have traveled through a lot of life with you are the best.
October 15 Productive night at home
October 16 Pete's home early!
October 17 Kate Morton's new book is out!
October 18 Good conversation with Shelby
October 19 Happy Birthday, Amber!
October 20 Thankful for friends who outright tell me I'm valuable and consistently redeem friendship as worth it
October 21 Cable at the dog sitting house!
October 22 Productive day at work today
October 23 Thankful for therapy today
October 24 Sleeping in my own bed
October 25 Last visit to The Dip of the season
October 26 Geek Games
October 27 Drinking and Mario Kart
October 28 Naps are the best
October 29 Watching ER before bed
October 30 Mario Kart is still such a good good thing
October 31 Kids in cute Halloween costumes
11.01.2012
10.20.2012
This Morning
It struck me this morning as I cut the flowers and filled out the card that this is the first friend i made after it all crashed down.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.
I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.
She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.
I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.
She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.
10.14.2012
Wake Up
When I was young I didn't know that divorce existed. I didn't know that marriages could end. I was young when an uncle went through a divorce and because it was news to me that marriages could end I asked my parents why my uncle wasn't married to my aunt anymore.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.
Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.
It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.
I know, duh. Right?
Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.
If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.
It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.
Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.
It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.
I know, duh. Right?
Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.
If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.
It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.
10.01.2012
Good Things: September
September 1 A pitcher of Sangria & tipsy bookstore roaming with Angie
September 2 Dog-sitting with cable
September 3 Clearing out the camo room in preparation for the conversion to grown up guest room
September 4 My new awesome water bottle came! It says, "There's a chance this is vodka"
September 5 I love that Pete is letting me read my hilarious book out loud to him. Even when I laugh to hard to actually read.
September 6 Accusing Angie of being drunk all day and wiping the floor with George the Glow-worm in Mario Kart
September 7 Peeling 4 layers of high gloss paint off the walls with Amber, Darren & Pete. They're my favorite people
September 8 Lazy Saturday interrupted by bursts of productivity
September 9 Reds Game with Pete, Sharen & Matthew
September 10 Yummy stuffed pepper casserole
September 11 The Voice is back on TV, it touches me in my spirit
September 12 Early morning encouragement and care over "coffee" (because I drink water not coffee) with Ben
September 13 Watching Newsroom at the dog sitting house
September 14 Rosh Hashanah, wait are you Russian and talking about my Kris Kross birthday party while at work
September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew! You're my favorite nephew!
September 16 ColdStone Ice Cream
September 17 Chugged through a lot of work today
September 18 Girlfriends Night Out!
September 19 Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets for the first time in a week
September 20 I know what we can reward them with, parrots and fire breathing Weight Watchers!
September 21 Dinner, drinks and on the patio with a fire
September 22 Fun at Costco and out with Pete & Angie
September 23 Slept a lot today and loved every minute of it
September 24 Got the date for when some work news will be announced
September 25 3 Months until Australia!
September 26 Reading out loud to Pete from a hilarious book. I love that he lets me read out loud to him
September 27 Chiropractic care, finally!
September 28 Geek Games is back!
September 29 Apple Fest
September 30 4 Corners Church is always my good thing on Sundays. I really love my church
September 2 Dog-sitting with cable
September 3 Clearing out the camo room in preparation for the conversion to grown up guest room
September 4 My new awesome water bottle came! It says, "There's a chance this is vodka"
September 5 I love that Pete is letting me read my hilarious book out loud to him. Even when I laugh to hard to actually read.
September 6 Accusing Angie of being drunk all day and wiping the floor with George the Glow-worm in Mario Kart
September 7 Peeling 4 layers of high gloss paint off the walls with Amber, Darren & Pete. They're my favorite people
September 8 Lazy Saturday interrupted by bursts of productivity
September 9 Reds Game with Pete, Sharen & Matthew
September 10 Yummy stuffed pepper casserole
September 11 The Voice is back on TV, it touches me in my spirit
September 12 Early morning encouragement and care over "coffee" (because I drink water not coffee) with Ben
September 13 Watching Newsroom at the dog sitting house
September 14 Rosh Hashanah, wait are you Russian and talking about my Kris Kross birthday party while at work
September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew! You're my favorite nephew!
September 16 ColdStone Ice Cream
September 17 Chugged through a lot of work today
September 18 Girlfriends Night Out!
September 19 Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets for the first time in a week
September 20 I know what we can reward them with, parrots and fire breathing Weight Watchers!
September 21 Dinner, drinks and on the patio with a fire
September 22 Fun at Costco and out with Pete & Angie
September 23 Slept a lot today and loved every minute of it
September 24 Got the date for when some work news will be announced
September 25 3 Months until Australia!
September 26 Reading out loud to Pete from a hilarious book. I love that he lets me read out loud to him
September 27 Chiropractic care, finally!
September 28 Geek Games is back!
September 29 Apple Fest
September 30 4 Corners Church is always my good thing on Sundays. I really love my church
9.05.2012
Hiding
When I was a little girl I learned I should hide
Hide from shaming eyes and sharp tongues
Hide from shadows and secrets I didn't understand
When I was a little girl I didn't know my voice could be strong when it needed to be
I only knew to bite and lash out when it was safest, when I knew no matter how ugly I was I would still be loved
When I was a little girl I learned to hide.
I learned to hide my heart because it it was bad
I learned to hide my thoughts because they were stupid
I learned to hide myself because I was scared of harsh words and pushing hands
I hid myself in bathrooms, behind davenports, on stairs to scary basements, under dining room tables.
Because there I could taste the derision and ambivalence in the air while pretending it had no affect on my small, breaking heart.
When I was an older girl I learned to hide behind anger and sarcasm, scoffing and ambivalence. I accidentally became the kind of girl the angry shaming voices were when I was small.
And God said stop.
Stop with the anger, stop with the scoffing and ambivalence. (He would have said stop with the sarcasm but he thinks I'm hilarious)
He's challenged me to heal, to soften, to stop being the scared hiding girl who refuses to be anything but angry.
It's hard. I cry more now. But I'm holding on to it being worth it in the end.
Hide from shaming eyes and sharp tongues
Hide from shadows and secrets I didn't understand
When I was a little girl I didn't know my voice could be strong when it needed to be
I only knew to bite and lash out when it was safest, when I knew no matter how ugly I was I would still be loved
When I was a little girl I learned to hide.
I learned to hide my heart because it it was bad
I learned to hide my thoughts because they were stupid
I learned to hide myself because I was scared of harsh words and pushing hands
I hid myself in bathrooms, behind davenports, on stairs to scary basements, under dining room tables.
Because there I could taste the derision and ambivalence in the air while pretending it had no affect on my small, breaking heart.
When I was an older girl I learned to hide behind anger and sarcasm, scoffing and ambivalence. I accidentally became the kind of girl the angry shaming voices were when I was small.
And God said stop.
Stop with the anger, stop with the scoffing and ambivalence. (He would have said stop with the sarcasm but he thinks I'm hilarious)
He's challenged me to heal, to soften, to stop being the scared hiding girl who refuses to be anything but angry.
It's hard. I cry more now. But I'm holding on to it being worth it in the end.
9.03.2012
Good Things: August
August1 Making funny noises with sound effects with Matthew on his DSi
August 2 Today is my Friday! Beers, kielbasa and no work tomorrow!
August 3 Nicole is here!
August 4 Lots of shopping getting cute clothes with Nicole
August 5 Quarriors with Pete, Amber and Darren
August 6 Pete hooked up my Blu Ray & I have Netflix in my room now. I will be cocooning there until he returns from vacation & starts cooking for me again
August 7 I went to the gym and did so may crunches my abdominal muscles cramped. By so many crunches I mean 3 reps of 10. But in all fairness those were 10 to the front and 10 to each side
August 8 Dinner with a dogsitting family and an early bedtime
August 9 Today was a hard day. But my boss wrote a paragraph of nice things in a reprimand email which ended with 2 stern sentences, and you guys....I held onto the good for the first time in 33 years. God bless therapy
August 10 Putting into action the lesson that while anger is easier in the moment it costs so much in the long run felt really good today
August 11 Naps and cable at a dogsitting house
August12 Early night and naps in the afternoon
August 13 Sleeping in my own bed always feels the best
August14 Therapy is great
August 15 Loads of free stuff (goooood stuff) from a friend who is moving and creating a Spice Girls cover group at work
August16 Meatloaf Muffins and Mario Kart
August 17 I'm soooo glad it's Friday
August18 Dancing with Pete & Angie
August 19 Dinner with Alexis
August20 Growth Tracks meetings are my favorite meetings
August 21 Girlfriends Night Out!
August22 Wine after work
August 23 Watching cartoons with Mattew
August24 Giggly wine induced fun with Pete & Amber then Quarriors with them and Darren
August25 Laughing with friends almost all day long
August26 I have the best roommate who carried my laundry up and down the stairs and didn't laugh when ingot stuck on the sofa thanks to a thrown out back
August27 Chiropractic care at its finest
August28 Dinner with Brenna & Sharen
August29 Recognizing triggers of PTSD & calling a friend to talk me off the ledge. Using coping mechanisms from 18 months of therapy.
August30 Friends offering to take me to lunch, free lunch at work and an early bedtime
August31 The beer fairy came to my office today
August 2 Today is my Friday! Beers, kielbasa and no work tomorrow!
August 3 Nicole is here!
August 4 Lots of shopping getting cute clothes with Nicole
August 5 Quarriors with Pete, Amber and Darren
August 6 Pete hooked up my Blu Ray & I have Netflix in my room now. I will be cocooning there until he returns from vacation & starts cooking for me again
August 7 I went to the gym and did so may crunches my abdominal muscles cramped. By so many crunches I mean 3 reps of 10. But in all fairness those were 10 to the front and 10 to each side
August 8 Dinner with a dogsitting family and an early bedtime
August 9 Today was a hard day. But my boss wrote a paragraph of nice things in a reprimand email which ended with 2 stern sentences, and you guys....I held onto the good for the first time in 33 years. God bless therapy
August 10 Putting into action the lesson that while anger is easier in the moment it costs so much in the long run felt really good today
August 11 Naps and cable at a dogsitting house
August12 Early night and naps in the afternoon
August 13 Sleeping in my own bed always feels the best
August14 Therapy is great
August 15 Loads of free stuff (goooood stuff) from a friend who is moving and creating a Spice Girls cover group at work
August16 Meatloaf Muffins and Mario Kart
August 17 I'm soooo glad it's Friday
August18 Dancing with Pete & Angie
August 19 Dinner with Alexis
August20 Growth Tracks meetings are my favorite meetings
August 21 Girlfriends Night Out!
August22 Wine after work
August 23 Watching cartoons with Mattew
August24 Giggly wine induced fun with Pete & Amber then Quarriors with them and Darren
August25 Laughing with friends almost all day long
August26 I have the best roommate who carried my laundry up and down the stairs and didn't laugh when ingot stuck on the sofa thanks to a thrown out back
August27 Chiropractic care at its finest
August28 Dinner with Brenna & Sharen
August29 Recognizing triggers of PTSD & calling a friend to talk me off the ledge. Using coping mechanisms from 18 months of therapy.
August30 Friends offering to take me to lunch, free lunch at work and an early bedtime
August31 The beer fairy came to my office today
8.01.2012
Good Things: July
Hey! I'm going to start doing good things again!
July1 Dinner with Alexis and afternoons in the pool
July2 Josh Garrells!
July3 Sleeping in after a late night
July4 Middle of the week day off!
July5 Fun Growth Tracks meeting for church despite massive earache
July6 Awesome supervisor who felt pity for me and sent me home at 1030 where I promptly slept all afternoon. Also, Amber vacuuming my whole house wins the friend award
July7 Jake & Cody are here! Somali Pirate attacks in the pool and Melmac is just past Uranus
July8 Heard the where we've come from where we're going from Ben & Greg about 4 Corners and was so moved at how God has changed so many lives through our church
July9 Drink your juice, Shelby
July10 Mario Kart with Pete before a long weekend away from home
July11 Cable at the dog-sitting house!
July12 Finally finished a book I've been hacking away at. It was worth it.
July13 Dog park & ice cream with Sharen
July14 Saw old friends at the funeral of the father of a near & dear childhood friend. Also, wondering if Amish road side stands take credit cards
July15 Sleeping in my own bed! At least for a few nights.
July16 Mario Kart & getting caught up at work
July17 Girlfriends Night Out & wandering down memory lane without cracks widening in my heart
July18 Don't make me I6 you! Fun night with some of the admin team for Growth Tracks
July19 Dog sitting house with cable! Gorging on HGTV
July20 Last Friday working for a couple of weeks!
July21 Working on Saturday stinks, but I got more work done in 3 hours than 8 on Friday
July22 Sunday afternoon nap and time in the pool
July23 Silly laughing with Pete at overly dramatic video clips during a seminar thing
July24 Sleeping in is my favorite
July25 Stayed up into the early houra in bed with my legs propped up on the wall finishing a book. Haven't done that in awhile
July26 Birthday Eve!
July27 Relaxing day in the pool drinking & napping
July28 Mom & Dad are in town
July29 Good church & some honesty about something I'd never let myself see before
July30 Cleaned out the contacts in my phone. Deleting some people was really cathartic
July31 Straight home from work!
July1 Dinner with Alexis and afternoons in the pool
July2 Josh Garrells!
July3 Sleeping in after a late night
July4 Middle of the week day off!
July5 Fun Growth Tracks meeting for church despite massive earache
July6 Awesome supervisor who felt pity for me and sent me home at 1030 where I promptly slept all afternoon. Also, Amber vacuuming my whole house wins the friend award
July7 Jake & Cody are here! Somali Pirate attacks in the pool and Melmac is just past Uranus
July8 Heard the where we've come from where we're going from Ben & Greg about 4 Corners and was so moved at how God has changed so many lives through our church
July9 Drink your juice, Shelby
July10 Mario Kart with Pete before a long weekend away from home
July11 Cable at the dog-sitting house!
July12 Finally finished a book I've been hacking away at. It was worth it.
July13 Dog park & ice cream with Sharen
July14 Saw old friends at the funeral of the father of a near & dear childhood friend. Also, wondering if Amish road side stands take credit cards
July15 Sleeping in my own bed! At least for a few nights.
July16 Mario Kart & getting caught up at work
July17 Girlfriends Night Out & wandering down memory lane without cracks widening in my heart
July18 Don't make me I6 you! Fun night with some of the admin team for Growth Tracks
July19 Dog sitting house with cable! Gorging on HGTV
July20 Last Friday working for a couple of weeks!
July21 Working on Saturday stinks, but I got more work done in 3 hours than 8 on Friday
July22 Sunday afternoon nap and time in the pool
July23 Silly laughing with Pete at overly dramatic video clips during a seminar thing
July24 Sleeping in is my favorite
July25 Stayed up into the early houra in bed with my legs propped up on the wall finishing a book. Haven't done that in awhile
July26 Birthday Eve!
July27 Relaxing day in the pool drinking & napping
July28 Mom & Dad are in town
July29 Good church & some honesty about something I'd never let myself see before
July30 Cleaned out the contacts in my phone. Deleting some people was really cathartic
July31 Straight home from work!
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