feel substantially better about my ability to keep house.
HOLY COW
11.07.2008
11.06.2008
Shiny happy people everywhere...
Last week at bible study we were all putting in our prayer requests. They were all valid, they were all important, but they were all very "help me with my job search, help me with my outreach project". All very well and good.
When it was one woman's turn, she paused. She opened her mouth to speak, and then she paused again.
Finally she asked for prayer for her anger towards a family member, because it was bad and she needed help. She asked for prayer for the way she spoke about her husband, because it wasn't terrible, but she tore him down and wanted to lift him up instead.
I thought that was so true, so brave, so transparent.
My prayer request has often been that I feel like I'm totally and completely falling apart and I just don't know what to do or how to take one more step in any direction, let alone the right one. But I was in the midst of prayers that while, true, while valid, were very clean and neatly packaged.
How encouraging that someone was brave enough to peel herself open and be vulnerable!
I told her as much last night, and it felt all awkward and weird. But I just so wanted to encourage her to keep being brave, because when she is brave, it can grab someone else by the heart and help them be brave too.
If we, as believers, do not make it less intimidating for people with messy lives and broken hearts to come into our lives then we will begin to paralyze ourselves and disable any relationship before it's even begun. People do not have to accept your systematic theology for you to love them! Just love them. Just be present for them, listen to them, speak truth into their lives in a way they can hear and receive. (Note: the way THEY can hear and receive)
Do not threaten them with hell. Don't lie about what you believe, but the first thing you say to someone that doesn't believe in God doesn't HAVE to be, nor should it really be that they are disgusting sinners that will burn in hell without Jesus.
Because I am a disgusting sinner. Without Jesus I would not go to Heaven.
Just because something is true doesn't mean it should be blurted out immediately with no qualifications.
It just seems to me that Christians proclaiming how right they are isn't alluring to many people. It seems to me that the most attractive thing should be Jesus, not me, not my opinion, not my sanctimonious bull. It should be, and ultimately is Jesus that will woo people into relationship with Him. It will not be the genuine sheep's leather bible and Calvinism vs. arminism vs. my denomination kicks your denominations ass argument that I slap them across the face with.
We are not all shiny happy people. We are a mess sometimes (I am a mess most of the time).
But all of that mess is cleaned by the blood of Jesus and the grace that flows freely. I am so humbled to be the smallest part of the biggest story that God is writing.
When it was one woman's turn, she paused. She opened her mouth to speak, and then she paused again.
Finally she asked for prayer for her anger towards a family member, because it was bad and she needed help. She asked for prayer for the way she spoke about her husband, because it wasn't terrible, but she tore him down and wanted to lift him up instead.
I thought that was so true, so brave, so transparent.
My prayer request has often been that I feel like I'm totally and completely falling apart and I just don't know what to do or how to take one more step in any direction, let alone the right one. But I was in the midst of prayers that while, true, while valid, were very clean and neatly packaged.
How encouraging that someone was brave enough to peel herself open and be vulnerable!
I told her as much last night, and it felt all awkward and weird. But I just so wanted to encourage her to keep being brave, because when she is brave, it can grab someone else by the heart and help them be brave too.
If we, as believers, do not make it less intimidating for people with messy lives and broken hearts to come into our lives then we will begin to paralyze ourselves and disable any relationship before it's even begun. People do not have to accept your systematic theology for you to love them! Just love them. Just be present for them, listen to them, speak truth into their lives in a way they can hear and receive. (Note: the way THEY can hear and receive)
Do not threaten them with hell. Don't lie about what you believe, but the first thing you say to someone that doesn't believe in God doesn't HAVE to be, nor should it really be that they are disgusting sinners that will burn in hell without Jesus.
Because I am a disgusting sinner. Without Jesus I would not go to Heaven.
Just because something is true doesn't mean it should be blurted out immediately with no qualifications.
It just seems to me that Christians proclaiming how right they are isn't alluring to many people. It seems to me that the most attractive thing should be Jesus, not me, not my opinion, not my sanctimonious bull. It should be, and ultimately is Jesus that will woo people into relationship with Him. It will not be the genuine sheep's leather bible and Calvinism vs. arminism vs. my denomination kicks your denominations ass argument that I slap them across the face with.
We are not all shiny happy people. We are a mess sometimes (I am a mess most of the time).
But all of that mess is cleaned by the blood of Jesus and the grace that flows freely. I am so humbled to be the smallest part of the biggest story that God is writing.
I hear the sound of pulling heaven down
I've been thinking (and talking) a lot of about actions/words/thoughts and their relationships with each other, or their apparent disconnect from each other.
Especially wearing this bracelet that I'm switching back and forth whenever I criticize, complain, or gossip I'm noticing just how often the words that spew out of my mouth, the thoughts that swirl around in my head, don't match what my heart really longs to say.
How often does what I say and how I act pull Heaven down?
My actions don't match my words, my words don't match my thoughts, and my thoughts don't match my heart. How then can I expect anyone else to understand what I'm saying or doing if I can't even match up those things?
Hmmmm.......
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you say that something is important to you, when you say that you believe in something, that you want to live your life a certain way but you don't...why is that?
I do understand (trust me I totally understand) that people aren't perfect and aren't going to live that way 100%, but sometimes, it seems like I don't even try.
Sometimes I feel like it's just to hard to eat better, not cuss, not avoid temptation. Sometimes I feel like it's just easier to give in and ignore the pangs in my heart that causes.
It is totally easier.
But that doesn't make it better, or right.
In Matthew 6 Jesus teaches us to pray, and gives us the Lord's prayer (one or two of you may have heard of it). In it He says, "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven"...or for those of you old schoolers that memorized it before the NIV, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven" (it always sounds awkward to me when it doesn't have the word Thy in it, and I'm so not even close to being a KJV (king james version) girl)
That's not later, when we're older. That's not when we're dead and go to Heaven, that's not when the book of Revelation begins (or ends, or is in the middle of happening, I am by no means clear on that whole end times topics and I don't even want to get started on it). It's now. What are you doing NOW to bring as much of God's kingdom to earth today, this minute?
What am I doing? What could I be doing? What could you do?
Have you ever had someone pull Heaven down for you?
Especially wearing this bracelet that I'm switching back and forth whenever I criticize, complain, or gossip I'm noticing just how often the words that spew out of my mouth, the thoughts that swirl around in my head, don't match what my heart really longs to say.
How often does what I say and how I act pull Heaven down?
My actions don't match my words, my words don't match my thoughts, and my thoughts don't match my heart. How then can I expect anyone else to understand what I'm saying or doing if I can't even match up those things?
Hmmmm.......
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you say that something is important to you, when you say that you believe in something, that you want to live your life a certain way but you don't...why is that?
I do understand (trust me I totally understand) that people aren't perfect and aren't going to live that way 100%, but sometimes, it seems like I don't even try.
Sometimes I feel like it's just to hard to eat better, not cuss, not avoid temptation. Sometimes I feel like it's just easier to give in and ignore the pangs in my heart that causes.
It is totally easier.
But that doesn't make it better, or right.
In Matthew 6 Jesus teaches us to pray, and gives us the Lord's prayer (one or two of you may have heard of it). In it He says, "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven"...or for those of you old schoolers that memorized it before the NIV, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven" (it always sounds awkward to me when it doesn't have the word Thy in it, and I'm so not even close to being a KJV (king james version) girl)
That's not later, when we're older. That's not when we're dead and go to Heaven, that's not when the book of Revelation begins (or ends, or is in the middle of happening, I am by no means clear on that whole end times topics and I don't even want to get started on it). It's now. What are you doing NOW to bring as much of God's kingdom to earth today, this minute?
What am I doing? What could I be doing? What could you do?
Have you ever had someone pull Heaven down for you?
11.03.2008
Habitude
They started a new sermon series at church called Habitudes. You should listen to it, it's very good.
We were given white bracelets (a la Live Strong) and asked to participate in an exercise to develop a habit of gratitude. Place the bracelet on one wrist. Every time you find yourself complaining, criticizing, or gossiping you should switch bracelets. To help illuminate the number of times you do those things in your day.
I'm less then 48 hours in and I've changed it 4 or 5 times (the first time I went 22 hours! so what if I was sleeping for 8 and alone for another 8 of them.....)
I think it will be interesting, and so far I'm developing a ridiculously annoying chipper attitude. Also, just ask Pete. I'm apparently also trying to diffuse those things by saying super nice things about things being complained about....sigh. I really do apologize it was sort of annoying me today!
So just in case you and I have an extended conversation in the next 30 days....please be forewarned.
We were given white bracelets (a la Live Strong) and asked to participate in an exercise to develop a habit of gratitude. Place the bracelet on one wrist. Every time you find yourself complaining, criticizing, or gossiping you should switch bracelets. To help illuminate the number of times you do those things in your day.
I'm less then 48 hours in and I've changed it 4 or 5 times (the first time I went 22 hours! so what if I was sleeping for 8 and alone for another 8 of them.....)
I think it will be interesting, and so far I'm developing a ridiculously annoying chipper attitude. Also, just ask Pete. I'm apparently also trying to diffuse those things by saying super nice things about things being complained about....sigh. I really do apologize it was sort of annoying me today!
So just in case you and I have an extended conversation in the next 30 days....please be forewarned.
11.01.2008
So nice I posted twice
I have no idea why I posted the video twice, but when I tried to edit it the code wasn't there...but the video was.
Weird.
Weird.
Sisters, Sisters, there were never such devoted sisters
I have had this song in my head for the last several days:
But it's such a fun song, and I often hum it to myself whenever I see pictures of Sharen and I. Let's just say I got the lucky stick (whatever that means) when God was doling out sisters, because I got a pretty great one. (Even when she posts grotesque pictures of me as her default picture on Myspace)
She takes care of me, worries about me, encourages me, and kicks my ass when I wouldn't even think about allowing anyone else to do so. She has thrown a boy (by his neck) up against a wall for me and she has threatened to hunt down and remove the boy parts from anyone that even thinks about not thinking I'm the most fantastic thing that ever happened to them.
(she also picked a pretty nice guy to marry that helps her take care of things for me, but please don't tell him I said so because he'll get all full of himself..(oh and happy birthday old man))
My sister makes beautiful babies and takes them back immediately when I realize I'm so over playing house with them. She is lovelier then she believes and smarter then most anyone I know. Moving to Cincinnati was one of the best decisions I made, for a lot of reasons. But most of all because I get to live life so close to my sister.
Little does she know, that if I ever get married I will insist we both dress in blue flowing dresses, complete with feather fans, and perform this song at the reception....and I will have the bride bag, so she will have no choice by to comply.
Love you Sharen!
But it's such a fun song, and I often hum it to myself whenever I see pictures of Sharen and I. Let's just say I got the lucky stick (whatever that means) when God was doling out sisters, because I got a pretty great one. (Even when she posts grotesque pictures of me as her default picture on Myspace)
She takes care of me, worries about me, encourages me, and kicks my ass when I wouldn't even think about allowing anyone else to do so. She has thrown a boy (by his neck) up against a wall for me and she has threatened to hunt down and remove the boy parts from anyone that even thinks about not thinking I'm the most fantastic thing that ever happened to them.
(she also picked a pretty nice guy to marry that helps her take care of things for me, but please don't tell him I said so because he'll get all full of himself..(oh and happy birthday old man))
My sister makes beautiful babies and takes them back immediately when I realize I'm so over playing house with them. She is lovelier then she believes and smarter then most anyone I know. Moving to Cincinnati was one of the best decisions I made, for a lot of reasons. But most of all because I get to live life so close to my sister.
Little does she know, that if I ever get married I will insist we both dress in blue flowing dresses, complete with feather fans, and perform this song at the reception....and I will have the bride bag, so she will have no choice by to comply.
Love you Sharen!
Ruminations on Christian Publishing
Specifically books geared towards women
I worked at the bookstore today and was putting away some books in the Woman's Interest section. Being a woman, I was a little interested. So as I'm stocking I'm perusing the covers and see one that talks about women reclaiming their femininity. My interest is piqued even further...while I'm not the most feminine person I also am noticing my own rough edges and trying to figure out what should stay and what is hindering my relationships with other people. I open the book, I flip through, and I notice...that all of the stories are about married women, or women that are engaged, or women that are trying to "land a Godly man". I put the book down and pick up another book, and it's the same story. When there is the occasional mention of the dreaded single woman, it's mostly about her struggles to remain pure...of body only, while waiting for a husband to knock boots with. Again, these are valid and interesting things...to women that fall into those categories, but I don't.
And it's apparently all about me...but if I'm buying the book for me, shouldn't it be for me? (I have a headache after that sentence) But I digress...
I finish putting my stack of books away, and think that maybe I should go to the single section, because maybe the women's interest section is only for married (or about to be, or want to be) married women. Although this fact confuses me, as I'm a women, and I am none of those things.
I make the dreaded walk over to the single section, which is the shelf of humiliation in most Christian stores that I've been/worked in. It's humiliating because there are 1 of 2 types of books that you will find there:
1) Purity books- these can indicate that you have a booty problem and need to get back on the straight and narrow. It also contains purity books about reclaiming your purity after you've slipped and fallen into a sexual relationship. This means, that you are not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian. I've read a lot of these books, because I am not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian and boys are pretty. While there are paragraphs here and there that are helpful and pertinent, I find that most of the books contain the reassurance that you're "saving yourself" for your future husband/wife. What if I don't want one? Then what?
2) How to find a Godly partner books- these indicate that the allure of your looks and personality are not enough for someone else that loves Jesus to want you. Which ok, super duper everything is ok Christians shouldn't be hung up on looks...they should love what's on the inside...so these books are about helping to clean up your damaged insides and I find often about playing games to lure a godly man into your snares. Uck.
But I digress again...I can't type as fast as I'm thinking...I hate that.
So I wander over to the singles section. I find the two types of books that I was expecting. I'm out of place again.
Now, keep in mind that I didn't even really WANT a book for women to buy. But with the post of yesterday (or a few days ago...) I was in the married/single mindset and curious.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about marriage and being single. Paul for your information was unmarried. You should read the whole chapter here, because it's very good. But in verses 6-9 it says:
And it's apparently all about me...but if I'm buying the book for me, shouldn't it be for me? (I have a headache after that sentence) But I digress...
I finish putting my stack of books away, and think that maybe I should go to the single section, because maybe the women's interest section is only for married (or about to be, or want to be) married women. Although this fact confuses me, as I'm a women, and I am none of those things.
I make the dreaded walk over to the single section, which is the shelf of humiliation in most Christian stores that I've been/worked in. It's humiliating because there are 1 of 2 types of books that you will find there:
1) Purity books- these can indicate that you have a booty problem and need to get back on the straight and narrow. It also contains purity books about reclaiming your purity after you've slipped and fallen into a sexual relationship. This means, that you are not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian. I've read a lot of these books, because I am not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian and boys are pretty. While there are paragraphs here and there that are helpful and pertinent, I find that most of the books contain the reassurance that you're "saving yourself" for your future husband/wife. What if I don't want one? Then what?
2) How to find a Godly partner books- these indicate that the allure of your looks and personality are not enough for someone else that loves Jesus to want you. Which ok, super duper everything is ok Christians shouldn't be hung up on looks...they should love what's on the inside...so these books are about helping to clean up your damaged insides and I find often about playing games to lure a godly man into your snares. Uck.
But I digress again...I can't type as fast as I'm thinking...I hate that.
So I wander over to the singles section. I find the two types of books that I was expecting. I'm out of place again.
Now, keep in mind that I didn't even really WANT a book for women to buy. But with the post of yesterday (or a few days ago...) I was in the married/single mindset and curious.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about marriage and being single. Paul for your information was unmarried. You should read the whole chapter here, because it's very good. But in verses 6-9 it says:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Should that only be applicable to men? Because I sure as heck get a lot from it, and I'm "just" a woman. I get that it's the message of society and a well oiled publishing machine. I get that they publish what will sell the most. I do get that. I just find it disheartening.
Do I think I'm called to be single? I don't know
Do I think I'll ever get married? I don't know
But I just am so weary of the messages that are being sent to women, specifically single women about the necessity of being married.
On a (probably large) side note let me also say this;
When I am single, not dating, not "involved" I find myself less distracted and so much more focused on God. I make time for Him, I spend more time with Him and I hear Him so much more clearly then when I'm "interested" in a boy. The most ironic thing about that revelation, is that it took said boy (one that doesn't classify himself as even remotely a believer) to point that out to me. He called out in me the abyss I was choosing to place between God and I because of my choices. He located and pointed out the true desire of my heart to be free from that type of relationship, and he ended it. Not me, not this super duper everything is ok holy Christian. This boy did. This non-believing boy.
I hope that you are hearing my heart on this. I'm not condemning the married or engaged. I'm not trying to comment on those that are dating and sleeping together/living together. All I know is this: when I date a boy (as in have a relationship with him that is not an obviously platonic relationship) I struggle to find ways to express and receive affection that isn't sexual (I'm sorry Sharen, I probably should have told you to stop reading). I tried. I failed. For a very long time.
I don't know what the answer is to that. That one point (and it's a doozy) is the only reason that I hold back from thinking I'm called to be single permanently. That's it. At this point, I can't imagine getting into a relationship with a man except for that one reason, and that is a terrible reason.
I cannot unsee the things that I've seen, I can't undo what I've done. I can't unthink the thoughts that come uninvited into my head. But God is churning in my heart, and he is holding my hand and pointing out things to do to help lessen the devastation it has wrecked on my heart.
So where does that leave me? Somewhere between women's interest and Single I suppose.
Do I think I'm called to be single? I don't know
Do I think I'll ever get married? I don't know
But I just am so weary of the messages that are being sent to women, specifically single women about the necessity of being married.
On a (probably large) side note let me also say this;
When I am single, not dating, not "involved" I find myself less distracted and so much more focused on God. I make time for Him, I spend more time with Him and I hear Him so much more clearly then when I'm "interested" in a boy. The most ironic thing about that revelation, is that it took said boy (one that doesn't classify himself as even remotely a believer) to point that out to me. He called out in me the abyss I was choosing to place between God and I because of my choices. He located and pointed out the true desire of my heart to be free from that type of relationship, and he ended it. Not me, not this super duper everything is ok holy Christian. This boy did. This non-believing boy.
I hope that you are hearing my heart on this. I'm not condemning the married or engaged. I'm not trying to comment on those that are dating and sleeping together/living together. All I know is this: when I date a boy (as in have a relationship with him that is not an obviously platonic relationship) I struggle to find ways to express and receive affection that isn't sexual (I'm sorry Sharen, I probably should have told you to stop reading). I tried. I failed. For a very long time.
I don't know what the answer is to that. That one point (and it's a doozy) is the only reason that I hold back from thinking I'm called to be single permanently. That's it. At this point, I can't imagine getting into a relationship with a man except for that one reason, and that is a terrible reason.
I cannot unsee the things that I've seen, I can't undo what I've done. I can't unthink the thoughts that come uninvited into my head. But God is churning in my heart, and he is holding my hand and pointing out things to do to help lessen the devastation it has wrecked on my heart.
So where does that leave me? Somewhere between women's interest and Single I suppose.
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