Full

Barren - (of a place or building) bleak or lifeless

My heart felt so barren. Lifeless if not for the incessant determination of life.

I was done. It was too much this raw aching place I found myself in after the end of it all.

I was blind. To the truth of my shared responsibility in the ending, to the rigidity in which I required people to exist in relationship to me.

I was scared. That no one would stay. That no one would ever see who I was and say it was just enough.  I was scared of my loudness and sudden quietness. I was scared my snark would be considered biting and hurtful instead of a badge of love.

But suddenly one day; in between Mario marathons, unnecessary trips to Target, smarty pants geek games and group texts it was there.

The friends I always knew were out there but could never find all at once, living in the same space. 

The friends I could be snarky with but still whisper scary things to over cheese dip and drinks that taste like skittles.

The friends who heard me. The friends who saw me. The friends that loved me and saw me as just enough. 

And I do love back them so deeply and fiercely. 

My heart feels so full. Overflowing really. With the everyday novelty of hanging out at soccer games, a glass of wine, Mario and house projects. I never knew a heart could be so full. 

And you know what, I'm still scared. But when I tell them they hold the fear in their hands and tell me they're scared too.

Good Things: November

November 1 Landed in Vegas! "I can't go that way, I'm not made for the police bus" "Was that Superman? No it was The Flash" and other shenanigans with Nicole and Keris

November 2 Le Reve like WHOA

November 3 Late night texts that people couldn't understand and flirty Irish bartenders (good things started today at 1201am!

November 4 Home sweet home and owning emotions

November 5 Training class for work means interesting people and social dynamic watching

November 6 Pete: I'm only good at Mario like once a month Me: It must be your time of the month

November 7 Small group conversations that were mostly about farting and pooping

November 8 Early to bed to prep for Stacey moving doesn't mean there wasn't some Mario time

November 9 Moving Stacey in the most efficient way possible and conversations with Amber

November 10 Making fun of Bengals fans at Quaker Steak and a lazy day at home

November 11 I...don't recall. It was probably Mario Kart though

November 12 Successfully did not punch a trainer in the face in light of misogynistic idiocy

November 13 "Me: It's shipping back from Canada Chris: Ok, so returned from overseas? Me: I don't think there's an ocean between Canada & the US" Also, adventures in only so-so food with Pete

November 14 Hilarity at Small Group

November 15 A very sleep Geek Games

November 16 Happy Birthday Nicole! (Also, daybed day!)

November 17 Those clouds sure are hanging low

November 18 Only day straight home after work this week; made it count with all the Marios

November 19 Girlfriends Night Out; now with more off color comments by Mary Jo (which I LOVE)

November 20 Dinner and wonderful conversation with Sharon.

November 21 Lovely night at small group

November 22 Catching Fire day Catching Fire day!

November 23 Bake all the things

November 24 Church in what feels like forever 

November 25 Kitties sleeping so close together without fighting 

November 26 Gorging on cable and toasty warm socks

November 27 Lots of blessings during an accident that could have been way way worse 

November 28 Yummy food and Black Friday fun. FUZZY BLANKET

November 29 Frozen with Matthew. The princess saved herself 

November 30 Fun with the family

Good Things: October

October 1 Government shut down jokes and remarkably accurate economics conversation successfully participated in

October 2 Dinner and Orange Leaf with Stacey. Also, Pete's home from vacation!

October 3 1st night of small group with some of my favorite ladies

October 4 Zach having no idea about the movie "Pretty Woman"

October 5 Make all the signs!

October 6 Little Miami was wet and muddy but it was fun cheering Amber on!

October 7 Straight home from work and Mario Karting

October 8 Therapy, oh blessed therapy

October 9 Pete trying to figure out how to train cats

October 10 Nice conversations with friends encouraging them to be brave

October 11 I went to bed early and slept 10 hours

October 12 Laying like broccoli

October 13 Dinner and games with Alexis, Ryan and Jacob

October 14 Car professionally detailed. So clean and shiny!

October 15 Long drive with Sharen and Matthew includes weather report videos and secret roadtrips to surprise family

October 16 Nice time visiting with Aunt Cathy and Casey and doing a paying party switcheroo at the hotel without Mom and Dad knowing

October 17 Small group and comfy pants

October 18 Packing up Stacey

October 19 Matthew's Special Day!

October 20 Movie Double Feature and Dewey's Pizza (and some freaking out about pirates)

October 21 Realizing I get to move home sooner than I thought from dog sitting this coming weekend.

October 22 Dinner and hangout time with Claire!

October 23 Flashback to YSU days thanks to some Janet Jackson albums on shuffle all day long

October 24 Small group with some lovely people

October 25 Gorging on Season 2 of Newsroom at the dog sitting house

October 26 Clean all the things! Dinner and hanging out with Stacey and Matthew

October 27 Decided on a day bed to buy and finally finish up the 3rd bedroom!

October 28 "Of course you don't care for living with roommates. You haven't found the right one yet"

October 29 Packing round 1, way too many things!

October 30 Packing final round, success! Also, a wonderful run of victory in Mario

October 31 We successfully held off eating ALL THE CANDY until the kids arrived to demand it from us for free. Las Vegas Eve!

Good Things: September

September 1 Shananigans with Jake, Cody, Pete and Stacey and Deweys Pizza. Mmmmmm Deweys Pizza

September 2 CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! But the house sure is nice when it's clean

September 3 Coming home to a clean house is the best

September 4 Bonus at work and weird dreams

September 5 Lunch with Stacey!

September 6 Worship Concert at church

September 7 Buy ALL THE THINGS! Shopping with Sharen, Brenna and eventually Stacey

September 8 Jen singing Roar at church and hang out time with Claire. Getting to say good bye to Shadow

September 9 Fun pool games with Matthew and a good day at work

September 10 Therapy and dinner with Claire talking about how Shadow was such a good dog

September 11 No idea....I think I blacked today out

September 12 Dinner with Sharen and Matthew and leaving work mainly on time

September 13 No work and cleaning all the things 

September 14 Nice day with the whole fam damily

September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew!

September 16 Made some nice progress on some work projects 

September 17 Girls Night Out now with more cats

September 18 New phone to play with and visiting friends

September 19 Well, the one thing I can say about the hours I've been working is that the overtime is nice

September 20 Silly night with Sharen and Matthew

September 21 Matthew as goalie and shenanigans with Stacey and Pete

September 22 Organized dresser drawers and live tweeting award shows

September 23 Mario Karting

September 24 Leaving work relatively on time

September 25 Stuffed Peppers for dinner; yum!

September 26 When the Bob Evans waitress asked Matthew if he was reading Odyssey

September 27 Ice packs & Gilmore Girls

September 28 Applefest! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

September 29 Watch ALL the Gilmore Girls

September 30 Moved back to my own desk at work!!

Good Things: August

August 1 Amber came and walked Jack with me. She's the nicest!
August 2 Today was musically awesome at work
August 3 Dog park with Stacey
August 4 Lazy Sunday with Jack
August 5 "Bad people aren't allowed to have oil paintings of themselves in their waiting rooms"
August 6 Pete fixed it so I could get "I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry & I Love You" on my phone! This is my happy face!
August 7 It's a shipping miracle! Also, my boss bought us alcohol at 11am the day was otherwise so terrible
August 8 I found Life Advice Cat on twitter and my life is better. Which may be sad, but I don't care
August 9 Multiple friends sending me Cheetos coupons is awesome
August 10 Nicole came to visit!
August 11 Visiting Norman and shopping with Nicole
August 12 Breakfast with Nicole, Sharen and Matthew
August 13 Work adventures driving a rented van and delivering furniture to Covington
August 14 EAT ALL THE CHEETOS
August 15 It's nice sitting for a calm and sweet dog when work is sucking the life out of me
August 16 Beer Fairy at work and Music Twin Roomies
August 17 NORMAN! It's bring Norman home day!
August 18 Thank you JESUS I get to move back home for more than 3 consecutive nights
August 19 Meetings with friends about Jesusy things that make my face hurt from smiling
August 20 GNO - Nice to have people to laugh with after a terrible day
August 21 Sweet blessed good night of sleep
August 22 Family night with Sharen and Matthew for the first time in weeks
August 23 Cocooning in my room and finally finishing a book that I read 2/3 of in 1 day then couldn't get back to
August 24 Friend Date Day! Now with more Norman, Sharen and Josh!
August 25 Awesome morning at church; then work. But at least no one was there to inturrupt me
August 26 Hey, apparently you CAN be productive at my job on a work day in August and not just run from fire to fire
August 27 Mario Karting with Pete and Stacey
August 28 Accidental 12 hour day means early bedtime
August 29 Leaving work as close on time as possible
August 30 Jake and Cody are here!!!
August 31 Shenanigans with Jake and Cody

Good Things: July

July 1 Let the busy season at work begin. But first a short work week!

July 2 Last night at home; I miss my bed so much when it's gone

July 3 Hellllooooo cable at the dogsitting house!

July 4 4 day weekend!

July 5 Oh how I loved having today off work. Even if it was rainy all day

July 6 Lazy day with Jack

July 7 Like whoa

July 8 Home. For almost a week! How novel!

July 9 Therapy is always my good thing

July 10 Getting ready for mom and dad to visit is easier when the house isn't a hot mess all the time

July 11 Doctor visit for the 1st time in 5 years. Apparently when they're trying to examine you you shouldn't try to hop off the table. I bought myself ice cream as a reward.

July 12 Mom and Dad are here!

July 13 Nice day with Mom and Dad and a yummy cookout for the family bday celebration

July 14 Early EARLY morning breakfast with mom and dad then 6 hours at the vets. Thankful for my vet and their pricing.

July 15 I like when Stacey lives with us

July 16 GNO - Good friends that are so supportive I feel surprised but I shouldn't. They're lovely people

July 17 Lovely friends who love Agnes as much as I do (despite someones protests coughPetecough)

July 18 Ugly crying at the vet and then being exhausted. I'm sure there was a good thing but I can't find it.

July 19 Birthday Pool day. The ability to bring Agnes home for a night and good friends that go places with you and do the hard things

July 20 I put Agnes to sleep today. But hey....Amber spent all day with me and cheered me up in exactly the way I needed. She's lovely.

July 21 Home from the dogsitting house for awhile. Sad being home without Agnes though :(

July 22 I helped make dinner! Pete is sooooo lucky

July 23 I like when Stacey stays with us

July 24 Last night at home for awhile. Oh how I'll miss my bed

July 25 "You know what the weird thing is? His girlfriend left him and he still went on the trip!!" No. No Brian that was not the weird thing

July 26 Dinner with Alexis!

July 27 Fun birthday with family (blood and non)

July 28 Homearama and happy 3rd roommateaversary

July 29 NORMAN

July 30 It's not necessarily a good thing but I had to have a conversation I would never have imagined I'd have to have with someone at work. There was much awkward laughter composing that email. Oh my goodness

July 31 Monica looking for the ok button (that's in her computer) all over her desk top before realizing what she was doing. I laughed until I cried and so did she. We both needed that.

Good Things: June

June 1 Nice nap at the dogsitting house, like woke up feeling drugged I slept so hard

June 2 Good morning at church, lunch with friends, another nap and dinner with Pete

June 3 OMG, Revolution! Even though I hate him sometimes JJ Abrams is my good thing for today

June 4 Pete is a terrible helper of irrational anger. Amber is the best helper. Also, 11 hour days

June 5 Lunch with Stacey! It makes all the things better!

June 6 I didn't die of frustration at work. This is my only good thing today

June 7 Relatively drama free event and sleeping in my own bed for the 1st time this month

June 8 Amber, Stacey, Pete, Sharen and Matthew time!

June 9 New dogsitting gig, complete with setting off the alarm accidentally.

June 10 Playing in the yard with dogsitting dog. My cats don't fetch nearly enough.

June 11 I say it every month, but I love therapy

June 12 Dogsitting is a nice gig, the money is awesome. But I miss my house. Last night away from home for a bit!

June 13 Home! For at least a week!

June 14 Dinner and games with Amber, Darren, Stacey, Dorothy & Larry. Dainty lady hands

June 15 Swimming! Man of Steel! Porn Wong! Awkwardly Straight!

June 16 Root Beer Stand with Pete, Sharen and Matthew

June 17 Straight home from work for the first time in too long

June 18 Graeters after GNO

June 19 Being brave at small group

June 20 Giggly family night with Sharen and Pete

June 21 NEW FRONT DOOR DAY! FINALLY!

June 22 Pool time with Matthew

June 23 Even though it doesn't feel like a good thing the sermon today was everything I needed

June 24 Some quiet pool time after a long hard day

June 25 Pool time when it was still HOT and homemade dinner delivered to the pool area by the best roommate in the history of roommates. My love language is quality time and acts of service and friend is loving me well. No way to say it without it being awkward and making him have to move out because we can't look each other in the eyes anymore.

June 26 Lovely time with lovely ladies at small group tonight

June 27 Applebee's, nice conversation and family

June 28 Night in with Mario, Pete and wine

June 29 Dinner for Darren's birthday and Avenue Q with favorites

June 30 Good friends caring for each other in the morning and trying to convince Stacy to move in

Good Things: May

May 1 Secret crazy pants conversations with friends that I love

May 2 Come with me to the bathroom I have to take a picture

May 3 Adventures in alcohol shopping

May 4 Cocktail swap party. Where do I live,  TO FRUIT!

May 5 Lazy movie day on a sofa

May 6 I'd rather be twirling my hair than any of the things from today

May 7 So many new hires to train, at least the 10 hour days fly by?

May 8 Drinks with Amy and snuggles with Matthew

May 9 Hitting 40 hours by Thursday is no good thing. But OT is

May 10 Sad Cat Diary

May 11 Iron Man 3 and cake

May 12 Happy Birthday Sharen!

May 13 Misty's Wal-Mart Story

May 14 Breakfast for dinner

May 15 Therapy is HARD but I love my therapist

May 16 The day after a topless painting of Bea Arthur sold is always a good day

May 17 Whoops! Drinks with Stacey turns into accident drunk and some fun shenanigans.

May 18 Trim is hung in my house! Shenangans with Amber after leaving the MOST DEPRESING MUSICAL at intermission. "I know you're fine, but do you want more water?"

May 19 Pool's Up!

May 20 Mario Karting is still the best thing ever

May 21 Should have been new front door day, but the door was defective. Whomp Whomp. But I got to take a nap in the pool, so that's awesome!

May 22 Dinner with Alexis. Love that we will both stop mid sentence and stare open mouthed at people talking around us at the same time.

May 23 Looooong Day at work, with some Mario after

May 24 Meetings so short your computer doesn't even fall asleep!

May 25 Lazy day with Pete and Stacey

May 26 Double Feature Day! Star Trek was SO good with Sharen, Pete, Stacey, Amber and Darren

May 27 Swimming!

May 28 Swimming some more! Dinner on the patio!

May 29 Swimming AGAIN after a long day at work

May 30 Watermelon Sangria and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies at Max & Erma's family night

May 31 I was on the radio!

Good Things: April

April 1 No one pranked me today

April 2 Mario Kart

April 3 Today was a terrible day. Bourbon made it better

April 4 Family night, this time at my house

April 5 Jurassic Park 3D

April 6 Amber, Pete and Stacey time

April 7 Shoulden and his shoulder reducing surgery

April 8 "Well we know it won't be in the share drive"

April 9 Therapy. GOD BLESS THERAPY

April 10 Picked up my new TV

April 11 I know she hates it, but the things I feel compelled to tell her are all of the things I wish someone would have told me when I was 15 and thinking/feeling similar things to her.

April 12 Final Small Group at Claires

April 13 So many good things with Stacey and Amber

April 14 Lazy morning and lunch with Pete and his family

April 15 Cable gorging at the dogsitting house

April 16 JOSH GARRELS IN CONCERT! 2nd row!

April 17 Belly pets with Jack

April 18 I yelled at a kid in Chick Fil A, this means I'm going to hell right?

April 19 Pete time at the dog sitting house

April 20 Bought a GIANT dog for Matthew

April 21 HOME, sleeping in my own bed!

April 22 Encouraging words and secret things

April 23 Breaking up cat fights, like a BOSS (literally cats)

April 24 Didn't think about it too much, except in the time between laying down and sleep

April 25 Cough syrup is my new best friend, especially when Pete goes to get it so I don't have to put a bra back on (you're welcome)

April 26 Happy Birthday, Pete and heading north to see my boys! Now with 100% more Laine and reversible ceiling fans!

April 27 The Melt, inappropriate hand sanitizers & more quality time with my boys

April 28 Oh look, God chases me all the way to Cleveland just to remind me that He does in fact make ALL things new.

April 29 No work! Road trip and shopping with Pete! New red shoes which I LOVE

April 30 I would settle for a spoon & a nice evening with Sharen & Matthew at my house

Understanding

"You don't understand. No one understands what it's like inside my head"

Oh but honey I do know. I was there and in some ways still am. Hating what I see when I look in the mirror. Wondering how it is I can be cared for when I care so little for myself.
Wondering when I'll have the courage to sink the blade just a little bit deeper. Just a little deeper I would think, then the pain will all be gone away.

"I want to kill what's inside of me"

Me too. Only therapy lets me say these things louder than a whisper. I know what it's like to hate what's inside of you. To want to kill it. To want to stop the hissing voices telling you you're nothing. You don't matter. All of them are right.

I've been there. When I was there I hated the people that told me they'd been there too. I hated that they told me it would get better. I hated that they told me it wasn't just me. I wanted to feel special. I couldn't even be uniquely miserable.

But the thing is; all of the things I say to you I wish people had said to me over and over and over again when I was 15. To be honest it's what I wish people told me when I was 20, and 25 and even 30. Even now at 33 I long to hear someone tell me I'm valuable.

The only way people can know you don't feel valuable, really know it, is if you tell them.

Oh, I wouldn't have listened either. The times when my parents or friends would tell me these things. That I was beautiful and lovable and valuable I really mostly thought they had no clue. They thought the girl I showed them was beautiful. They thought the boisterous acts were lovable and endearing. They thought the way I allowed my body to be touched and my favors abused was valuable to them.
I simply didn't believe them.

I can see it there in your eyes too. That you don't believe me. That you think I'm just some old lady thinking herself hip to your jive.
But I see it and it's ok. You don't have to believe me tonight. Tonight is just one of the many times I will tell you that you are beautiful. That you have value that is not in how your body looks, that how you look is not even close to the most valuable thing about you.

So I know. But you don't have to believe me. I understand, and you don't have to believe that either. Some things are true even if you don't believe them.

I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
the me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when I'm right with you I'm so far away
I can try to get away but I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don't want to listen but it's all too clear
- The Becoming NIN

Broken Places

When you throw your back out it is often because the muscles around your spine have moved out of place. Sort of.
Your spine has been tweaked out of place but you don't know it immediately because the muscles will move and compensate for the pain by moving to a place where the pain is tolerable.

Eventually, no amount of movement, no amount of compensation, will make the pain tolerable. Usually this is when my back officially goes out and I can't walk upright anymore. This is when I'm forced to go to the chiropractor and get my back adjusted into the correct places...again.

This morning, standing in the dark shower I said to God...sometimes it is easier to stay broken.

I don't know the moments when my back goes out. I only know the moments when the muscles around my spine give up the fight and say enough is enough this has to be fixed and we can't do that anymore.

Even then, bent over and hobbling around I think...this will get better soon. I just have to push through. My back will take care of it, it will be fine. I will be fine.

Fine is my F word.

I just want everything to be fine. If I don't look directly at being broken it's fine. It's ok. It's no big deal. I can manage. I'll just move some muscle around and compensate for the pain.

Don't look at how you spend money and why you place value on bank account balances. It's fine. Just leave it alone.
Don't look at what you eat, Jesus loves you anyway even if no one else does. It's fine. Just let it be.
Don't look at friendships. If you do you might be clingy and scare people away from being your friend. Just be cool. No one loves a needy girl.
Don't look at relationships. Don't ask why, the answer is probably something that requires change from you and that's not what we're going to do.
Don't look at touch. It has no easy answers and complicated is just too messy.

So I compensate. I mold myself around the pain instead of trying to clear it up. Because sometimes it's just easier to stay broken.

But now I can't walk. I'm hobbled over and unable to push through.
God is whispering that it's time to get adjusted. It's time to stop compensating and avoiding and look directly at some things.
I tell Him I hate it.
I tell Him I don't want to.
I tell Him that HE made me this way. (The blaming always seems to help)

Again he has to tell me, again he has to take my heart into his hands and remind me that he did make me. But not for this. Not for a sort of half life hiding and fearful of looking directly at the broken places.
He reminds me that he is already in those broken places waiting to meet me there. I just have to look directly at them and I'll see him there.

I don't know the moments these places were broken. I only know that in one of the places specifically, I'm giving up the fight. I still tell him I hate it. I still tell him I don't want to.

But now it's by looking over at him, beside me in the broken place.

Good Things: March

March 1 Straight home and into bed after work. So lovely

March 2 Pinterest party!

March 3 Smelling neighbors elbows at church and laughter with Stacey. Growth Tracks and laughter with Kate

March 4 Stopped some self shaming just as it was starting. Therapy for the win!

March 5 BIG SCARY THOUGHTS said to a therapist means I'll have an emotional few weeks (months?) But I'm clinging to the hope that someday this will be made right.

March 6 Snowy long day at work, happy to have people I really love to work with.

March 7 Downloading old school Mario 1 & 2 to the Wii = AWESOME

March 8 "If I put my mind to it I could totally be circus fat" and other 'it's been a long hard week' conversations at work.

March 9 Nice Saturday overall. Clean house, clean sheets and BOURBON

March 10 The band at church was AMAZING today. More so than usual. Oz with Pete and Stacey and so warm out the doors and windows got to be opened. Gifts from Stacey. It was a banner day folks.

March 11 Seeing fruit of the therapy conversations and working through forgiveness.

March 12 AS: "She said, I like you like you. I find you attractive." Me: OH MY GOSH! That is 8 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag. Thankful for craziness that is outside my department at work for once.

March 13 Lovely thoughtful gift from the nicest of the favorites.

March 14 Family night means telling stories on each other

March 15 AWESOME worship concert at church

March 16 I love my friends. I love caring for my friends because they have so often cared for me without even realizing it.

March 17 Gorging on HGTV at the dog sitting house

March 18 Unexpected free time means more time for Mario Kart and Dr Mario!

March 19 GNO, my face hurt from laughing. Two words - Retractable Awning

March 20 Wine after work

March 21 Wadded up sheep with natures dye

March 22 Mental Health Day! No work, lots of hair twirling

March 23 Kristen's Special Day!

March 24 Lunch with Michelle

March 25 Cookies for dinner, because sometimes you just have to

March 26 "Karma, it's like the rhythm. It's gonna get ya" I really like living with Pete

March 27 Last day of training and a good cry watching Beaches

March 28 Gas for $3.29!

March 29 Another day off work! Heading up north to see Mom and Dad

March 30 Silver Linings Playbook and nice talks with Nicole

March 31 Happy Birthday, Mom!

Good Things: February

February 1 Sitting in the silence at the dog sitting house after a long hard week

February 2 Shelby's birthday party

February 3 Super Bowling with Pete, Stacey and Amber (snickers internet peanut butter shoes)

February 4 They found King Richard the III!

February 5 Snuggling w/ kitties after a dog sitting gig
 
February 6 Unlocking mirror courses in Mario Kart stole any productivity to come in 2013

February 7Sometimes a girl just needs to stay home in pajama pants after a long long LONG 10 hour day (which will also help her avoid catching the flu)

February 8 1st night of this small group session at Fred and Claire's

February 9 Inappropriate card playing with some of my favorite women!

February 10 Lazy Sunday afternoon traditions with Stacey

February 11 Mirror Course Mario Karting and crazy dreams about stopping weddings
 
February 12 Telling people about my dream today was the best thing

February 13 Free lunch at work!

February  14 Funny pictures of Matthew in pajamas of his own choosing

February 15 Friday nights as they should be

February 16 Shelby's Special Day!

February 17 That time Ben quoted Boy George from stage at church and laughing until crying with Pete

February 18 I referenced burner cells 3 times today. I fear the feds are on to me

February 19 Pictures of Lord Voldermorts junk being sent to Amber and Pete

February 20 Imaging a t-rex making a bed

February 21 Helping Matthew with a summary of a book

February 22 Small group with awesome people!

February 23 Waking up early but not getting out of bed right away and a WHOLE DAY OF AMBER!

February 24 I love that Pete loves watching the Oscars snarkily with me

February 25 Let the interviewing begin!

February 26 Accidentally got transferred to a phone sex line by a freight company. Whoops!

February 27 Pete told me his friend (a woman) had a partial vasectomy. Sometimes the tweets, they write themselves.

February 28 100,000 miles on my car and it's still thriving!

Good Things: January

Jan 1 New Years opened on a boat on Sydney Harbor. Slept in then a few hours on an awesome Australian beach

Jan 2 Beautiful day in Australian Blue Mountains

Jan 3 Petting koalas and kangas!

Jan 4 I have developed a disturbing enjoyment of shopping. Also, Australian haircut

Jan 5 Hotel room by ourselves. Ahhh sweet alone and quiet time

Jan 6 Dolphins! Riding in boom nets! Sliding down a slide into the ocean!

January 7 Climbed Sydney Harbor Bridge. It was AMAZING

January 8 Heading home, almost 3 weeks away and realizing how much I love my life and friends. You guys are the best!

January 9 Pete, Amber and Darren painted the 3rd bedroom while I was gone! They're my favorites!

January 10 Sometimes a quick 30 minute nap makes a world of difference

January 11 Mario Kart marathon

January 12 Les Mis! Dewey's and gaming with Pete, Amber & Darren! Best Saturday ever!

January 13 So good to be back home at Four Corners Church!

January 14 Back in the groove at work and an amazing nights sleep

January 15 Girlfriends Night Out: Now with 100% more Pete!

January 16 Moved more furniture into the 3rd bedroom!

January 17 Fun family night

January 18 Shenanegians in Michaels with Pete and Stacey and friendship bracelet buddies

January 19 The house is clean! Steamed floors and rearranged furniture! Dinner with the Wombolds! So many many good things today

January 20 Breakfast burrito assembly line, keeping the kitchen clean and Mario Karting

January 21 Breakfast burrito for breakfast again at last!

January 22 I missed you therapy

January 23 Tooth pain that doesn't end in a root canal? Don't mind if I do!

January 24 Kate in a giant ziploc bag igloo and other Growth Tracks awesomeness

January 25 Friday wine mario karting for the most awesome

January 26 Happy 18th Kirsten!

January 27 Christopher got his book on Amazon! Hanging curtains and picture frames!

January 28 Such a delicious dinner thanks to Michelle

January 29 Downton Abbey season 3 has begun!

January 30 Finished season 3 of Downton Abbey. Although I'm not sure that's a good thing...:shakesfist:

January 31 Happy 15th Shelby!

2012 Books

1- 11/22/63
2- The Paris Wife
3- The Midnight Palace
4- The House at Tyneford
5- Cutting for Stone
6- Billy the Kid and the Vampyres of Vegas
7- My Sweet Audrina
8- Seeds of Yesterday
9- Petal on the Wind
10- If there be Thorns
11- Flowers in the Attic
12- The Warlock
13- The Necromancer
14-The Sorceress
15- The Magician
16- The Alchemyst
17- The Death of Joan of Arc
18- Arena One- Slaverunners
19- The Mill River Recluse
20- In Leah's Wake
21- The Baker's Daughter
22- The Stranger's Child
23- The Sisters
24- The Other Life
25 - HP- The Order of the Phoenix
26- HP- The Half Blood Prince
27- A Watershed Year
28- All That is Bitter and Sweet
29- Dirty Girls Come Clean
30- My Antonia
31- The Good Daughters
32- The Leftovers
33- Rules of Civility
34- The Enchantress
35- The Great Gatsby
36- The Chaperone
37- Ethan Frome
38- One Breath Away
39- Winesburg, Ohio
40- Mrs. Robinsons Disgrace
41- Let's Pretend This Never Happened
42- American Heiress
43- Clair de Lune
44- The Casual Vacancy
45- The Age of Desire
46- Just Do Something
47- The Secret Keeper
48- I See You Everywhere
49- Evolving in Monkey Town
50- Son of a Witch
51- HP- The Sorcerer's Stone
52- HP - The Chamber of Secrets
53 - Graceling
54 - Fire
55 - Bitterblue
56- The Leftovers
57- HP- The Prisoner of Azkaban

Good Things: December

December 1 Chocolate Day with Amber, super productive and BtLoG. So many good things today!

December 2 Beauty and the Beast from the 80s is on Netflix!

December 3 Leaving the office was today's good thing

December 4 Dinner with Alexis, laughing at my open mouth gawping

December 5 Mario Kart; I will miss you when I'm in Australia

December 6 Packing for a weekend trip, using my new backpack!

December 7 Heading to Tennessee and a work Christmas party

December 8 Moonshine and free whiskey samples

December 9 Talking in a Southern Accent with Pete is always a good time. We are also opening an advice shop in an old Rallys, but we are only giving out 1 piece of advice.

December 10 Driving home, so rainy. But I was showing off my killer rap skillz in the car

December 11 Therapy is my favorite

December 12 T-Minus 1 week until I am off work for 3 weeks and 1 day!

December 13 Happy Getting into Lee University, Kirsten!

December 14 Last Geek Games of the session.

December 15 Starting to pack!

December 16 MY first service in the new church building. Gosh I love my church

December 17 LAST MONDAY AT WORK UNTIL 1/14! LOUD NOISES

December 18 Girlfriends Night Out!

December 19 Done with work as of 1pm until 1/10. Watching The Hobbit with Claire

December 20 Day off work, baking and doing last minute prep for AUSTRALIA!

December 21 Feel like I overpacked and my suitcases are still underweight is AWESOME

December 22 Linn Family Christmas Eve!

December 23 Linn Family Christmas!

December 24 Campus Polleyeyes

December 25 Leaving on a jet plane for Australia! Squeezed a compliment out of Dad for handling our travel issues so well

December 26 Got into the Sky Club with Delta. Open top shelf bar before 11am after 24 hours of travel craziness? Yes please!

December 27 Business class is my favorite

December 28 Arrived in Australia! Bondi Beach!

December 29 Sydney Aquarium! Walking around Darling Harbor. Swiss Ice Cream!

December 30 More Sydney Shopping. The Rocks! Circular Quay!

December 31 NYE Cruise. Fireworks ok the harbor, drinks and talking to strangers. Dancing on a boat and "I can't believe I didn't see the fireworks!" chick on the bus

Good Things: November

November1 Cable at the dogsitting house!

November2 Hijinks in Walmart with Stacy and Pete

November3 Reckner Halloween Party

November4 Sleeping in my own bed again

November5 Sleeping in my own bed is the best good thing

November6 Telling the story of how I thought I was deaf but was just turning the radio down

November7 New music is my favorite

November8 Family Night

November9 Happy Birthday, Katy!

November10 Small Group at the Robertsons

November11 Say Yes to the Dress with Stacy is awesome fun

November12 Fuzzy day, sick

November13 Fuzzy fuzzy sick brain

November14 Sick, giving myself permission to bail on plans and go home to do nothing

November15 Went to bed at 8pm and loved every minute of it

November16 Happy Birthday, Nicole!

November17 Amber and I in public are awesome

November18 Relaxing at home, hoping to kick this cold

November19 I love the movie Stranger than Fiction

November20 Had to skip GNO, but grateful for Mylina stepping in and leading so I could rest

November21 Game planning with Mom for Black Friday shopping

November22 Thanksgiving! Good food and good times with family

November23 Fun shopping with Mom, Sharen and Nicole on Black Friday

November24 Fun shopping with Dad and Sharen

November25 Shopping and a movie with Pete. We're ridiculous when we're together

November26 Bonus Day off! 2nd Thanksgiving!

November27 Free lunch at work I forgot about

November28 Leftover 2nd Thanksgiving

November29 Making up songs and teasing Kirsten at family night

November30 Simpkins Going Away Party, I'm going to miss that lady

Good Things: October

October 1 My promotion was announced at work

October 2 It's Customer Service Week!

October 3 PJ's all day at work

October 4 Free food and more PJ's at work

October 5 More free food and awesome Customer Service t-shirts

October 6 Matthew's Special Day!

October 7 Recovering from Matthew's special day, cleaning the house

October 8 Started the transition off the phone to my new position

October 9  Fun fact learned today: The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.

October 10 Shopping for liquor and getting paid for it during work

October 11 Early bedtime

October 12 Hanging out with Amber, Darren and Pete is my favorite

October 13 New hair! Lunch with Claire! Unexpected small group that was awesomely hilarious!

October 14 Great message at church on the Sabbath, dinner with Alexis. Reminders that generational sin while not out fault is pervasive. Old friends that have traveled through a lot of life with you are the best.

October 15 Productive night at home

October 16 Pete's home early!

October 17 Kate Morton's new book is out!

October 18 Good conversation with Shelby

October 19 Happy Birthday, Amber!

October 20 Thankful for friends who outright tell me I'm valuable and consistently redeem friendship as worth it

October 21 Cable at the dog sitting house!

October 22 Productive day at work today

October 23 Thankful for therapy today

October 24 Sleeping in my own bed

October 25 Last visit to The Dip of the season

October 26 Geek Games

October 27 Drinking and Mario Kart

October 28 Naps are the best

October 29 Watching ER before bed

October 30 Mario Kart is still such a good good thing

October 31 Kids in cute Halloween costumes

This Morning

It struck me this morning as I cut the flowers and filled out the card that this is the first friend i made after it all crashed down.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.

I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.

She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.

Wake Up

When I was young I didn't know that divorce existed. I didn't know that marriages could end. I was young when an uncle went through a divorce and because it was news to me that marriages could end I asked my parents why my uncle wasn't married to my aunt anymore.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.  Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.

Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.

It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.

I know, duh. Right?

Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.

If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.

It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.