Good Things: April

April 1 No one pranked me today

April 2 Mario Kart

April 3 Today was a terrible day. Bourbon made it better

April 4 Family night, this time at my house

April 5 Jurassic Park 3D

April 6 Amber, Pete and Stacey time

April 7 Shoulden and his shoulder reducing surgery

April 8 "Well we know it won't be in the share drive"

April 9 Therapy. GOD BLESS THERAPY

April 10 Picked up my new TV

April 11 I know she hates it, but the things I feel compelled to tell her are all of the things I wish someone would have told me when I was 15 and thinking/feeling similar things to her.

April 12 Final Small Group at Claires

April 13 So many good things with Stacey and Amber

April 14 Lazy morning and lunch with Pete and his family

April 15 Cable gorging at the dogsitting house

April 16 JOSH GARRELS IN CONCERT! 2nd row!

April 17 Belly pets with Jack

April 18 I yelled at a kid in Chick Fil A, this means I'm going to hell right?

April 19 Pete time at the dog sitting house

April 20 Bought a GIANT dog for Matthew

April 21 HOME, sleeping in my own bed!

April 22 Encouraging words and secret things

April 23 Breaking up cat fights, like a BOSS (literally cats)

April 24 Didn't think about it too much, except in the time between laying down and sleep

April 25 Cough syrup is my new best friend, especially when Pete goes to get it so I don't have to put a bra back on (you're welcome)

April 26 Happy Birthday, Pete and heading north to see my boys! Now with 100% more Laine and reversible ceiling fans!

April 27 The Melt, inappropriate hand sanitizers & more quality time with my boys

April 28 Oh look, God chases me all the way to Cleveland just to remind me that He does in fact make ALL things new.

April 29 No work! Road trip and shopping with Pete! New red shoes which I LOVE

April 30 I would settle for a spoon & a nice evening with Sharen & Matthew at my house



"You don't understand. No one understands what it's like inside my head"

Oh but honey I do know. I was there and in some ways still am. Hating what I see when I look in the mirror. Wondering how it is I can be cared for when I care so little for myself.
Wondering when I'll have the courage to sink the blade just a little bit deeper. Just a little deeper I would think, then the pain will all be gone away.

"I want to kill what's inside of me"

Me too. Only therapy lets me say these things louder than a whisper. I know what it's like to hate what's inside of you. To want to kill it. To want to stop the hissing voices telling you you're nothing. You don't matter. All of them are right.

I've been there. When I was there I hated the people that told me they'd been there too. I hated that they told me it would get better. I hated that they told me it wasn't just me. I wanted to feel special. I couldn't even be uniquely miserable.

But the thing is; all of the things I say to you I wish people had said to me over and over and over again when I was 15. To be honest it's what I wish people told me when I was 20, and 25 and even 30. Even now at 33 I long to hear someone tell me I'm valuable.

The only way people can know you don't feel valuable, really know it, is if you tell them.

Oh, I wouldn't have listened either. The times when my parents or friends would tell me these things. That I was beautiful and lovable and valuable I really mostly thought they had no clue. They thought the girl I showed them was beautiful. They thought the boisterous acts were lovable and endearing. They thought the way I allowed my body to be touched and my favors abused was valuable to them.
I simply didn't believe them.

I can see it there in your eyes too. That you don't believe me. That you think I'm just some old lady thinking herself hip to your jive.
But I see it and it's ok. You don't have to believe me tonight. Tonight is just one of the many times I will tell you that you are beautiful. That you have value that is not in how your body looks, that how you look is not even close to the most valuable thing about you.

So I know. But you don't have to believe me. I understand, and you don't have to believe that either. Some things are true even if you don't believe them.
I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
the me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when I'm right with you I'm so far away
I can try to get away but I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don't want to listen but it's all too clear
- The Becoming NIN


Broken Places

When you throw your back out it is often because the muscles around your spine have moved out of place. Sort of.
Your spine has been tweaked out of place but you don't know it immediately because the muscles will move and compensate for the pain by moving to a place where the pain is tolerable.

Eventually, no amount of movement, no amount of compensation, will make the pain tolerable. Usually this is when my back officially goes out and I can't walk upright anymore. This is when I'm forced to go to the chiropractor and get my back adjusted into the correct places...again.

This morning, standing in the dark shower I said to God...sometimes it is easier to stay broken.

I don't know the moments when my back goes out. I only know the moments when the muscles around my spine give up the fight and say enough is enough this has to be fixed and we can't do that anymore.

Even then, bent over and hobbling around I think...this will get better soon. I just have to push through. My back will take care of it, it will be fine. I will be fine.

Fine is my F word.

I just want everything to be fine. If I don't look directly at being broken it's fine. It's ok. It's no big deal. I can manage. I'll just move some muscle around and compensate for the pain.

Don't look at how you spend money and why you place value on bank account balances. It's fine. Just leave it alone.
Don't look at what you eat, Jesus loves you anyway even if no one else does. It's fine. Just let it be.
Don't look at friendships. If you do you might be clingy and scare people away from being your friend. Just be cool. No one loves a needy girl.
Don't look at relationships. Don't ask why, the answer is probably something that requires change from you and that's not what we're going to do.
Don't look at touch. It has no easy answers and complicated is just too messy.

So I compensate. I mold myself around the pain instead of trying to clear it up. Because sometimes it's just easier to stay broken.

But now I can't walk. I'm hobbled over and unable to push through.
God is whispering that it's time to get adjusted. It's time to stop compensating and avoiding and look directly at some things.
I tell Him I hate it.
I tell Him I don't want to.
I tell Him that HE made me this way. (The blaming always seems to help)

Again he has to tell me, again he has to take my heart into his hands and remind me that he did make me. But not for this. Not for a sort of half life hiding and fearful of looking directly at the broken places.
He reminds me that he is already in those broken places waiting to meet me there. I just have to look directly at them and I'll see him there.

I don't know the moments these places were broken. I only know that in one of the places specifically, I'm giving up the fight. I still tell him I hate it. I still tell him I don't want to.

But now it's by looking over at him, beside me in the broken place.


Good Things: March

March 1 Straight home and into bed after work. So lovely

March 2 Pinterest party!

March 3 Smelling neighbors elbows at church and laughter with Stacey. Growth Tracks and laughter with Kate

March 4 Stopped some self shaming just as it was starting. Therapy for the win!

March 5 BIG SCARY THOUGHTS said to a therapist means I'll have an emotional few weeks (months?) But I'm clinging to the hope that someday this will be made right.

March 6 Snowy long day at work, happy to have people I really love to work with.

March 7 Downloading old school Mario 1 & 2 to the Wii = AWESOME

March 8 "If I put my mind to it I could totally be circus fat" and other 'it's been a long hard week' conversations at work.

March 9 Nice Saturday overall. Clean house, clean sheets and BOURBON

March 10 The band at church was AMAZING today. More so than usual. Oz with Pete and Stacey and so warm out the doors and windows got to be opened. Gifts from Stacey. It was a banner day folks.

March 11 Seeing fruit of the therapy conversations and working through forgiveness.

March 12 AS: "She said, I like you like you. I find you attractive." Me: OH MY GOSH! That is 8 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag. Thankful for craziness that is outside my department at work for once.

March 13 Lovely thoughtful gift from the nicest of the favorites.

March 14 Family night means telling stories on each other

March 15 AWESOME worship concert at church

March 16 I love my friends. I love caring for my friends because they have so often cared for me without even realizing it.

March 17 Gorging on HGTV at the dog sitting house

March 18 Unexpected free time means more time for Mario Kart and Dr Mario!

March 19 GNO, my face hurt from laughing. Two words - Retractable Awning

March 20 Wine after work

March 21 Wadded up sheep with natures dye

March 22 Mental Health Day! No work, lots of hair twirling

March 23 Kristen's Special Day!

March 24 Lunch with Michelle

March 25 Cookies for dinner, because sometimes you just have to

March 26 "Karma, it's like the rhythm. It's gonna get ya" I really like living with Pete

March 27 Last day of training and a good cry watching Beaches

March 28 Gas for $3.29!

March 29 Another day off work! Heading up north to see Mom and Dad

March 30 Silver Linings Playbook and nice talks with Nicole

March 31 Happy Birthday, Mom!