I don't remember the day that we met
I don't remember what I was wearing or the words that left your lips

I feel like it would be easier
Knowing

Knowing where it started and why it started
Maybe it would help me walk away

I don't remember what happened the first time you spoke to me that way
I don't remember why I was so willing to believe I was worth so little to be cast away with a sigh and roll of your eyes

I feel like if I could only understand the why I would understand what to do next and where I should go from here

But I know better
I know the why isn't important
I know the how and the where and the what isn't the point
I know this started generations before I was around

Because the way we treat people lasts and lasts
The words we speak and the actions we choose or don't choose
They matter

I see it in myself
An exhausted disdain
A wondering if all this digging and fixing is worth it
Because I wonder if I'm worth it
I'm fighting to believe I'm worth it

Decades of apathy and swallowing bitter pills of whatever scraps I could grasp onto have numbed my bravery and I can hardly even ask anymore
But I ask
You forget
I cry
We all move on

And I'm trying to move on
I'm trying to be better
I'm trying to realize that I'm not the only one that needs to do better but I'm the only one that I can make do better
So I try, I move on and I do better

This Costly Faith

This.

(via:)

“Save me, O God,

for the waters have come up to my neck.

I sink in the miry depths,

where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters;

the floods engulf me.

I am worn out calling for help;

my throat is parched.

My eyes fail,

looking for my God.”

Psalm 69 is a lament, one that puts into words the agony of my own heart right now. I am weary. Night after night I can’t sleep. My body is weakened by stress and I’m physically ill. I feel like a worn out old shoe that has to keep running.

Can you relate?

It doesn’t seem so long ago when the Psalms of Lament hardly made sense to me. I was happy, carefree, full of faith and hope. My life philosophy—”it’ll all work out”—was based on the unwavering belief in the goodness and sovereignty of God. It’s not that I was unfamiliar with suffering. I had faced the worst kinds of hardship that you can imagine—and yet my joy couldn’t be snuffed out.

But now the waters have come up to my neck and I am gasping for air. I still believe in the goodness and sovereignty of God, which is why I cry out to him for help, but he feels far away. His back is turned to me.

And so now, finally, I am learning the cost of faith.

The Psalmist, apparently while still barely treading the deep waters, says,

“I will praise God’s name in song

and glorify him with thanksgiving…

The LORD hears the needy.”

Praising God in advance for rescuing me, though he seems already too late, requires faith so deep I have to suck it out of the marrow of my bones—digging and scraping for it when it refuses to come—rather than depending on my optimistic nature to help it bubble to the surface.

This kind of faith hurts. A lot.

I sing, “Let the waters rise if you want them to. I will follow you,” but the tears stream down my face as I do. It’s like reaching the 25 mile marker in a marathon: you go on even though each step hurts.

And that’s when I remember that Jesus himself did this same thing.

“Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!” (Hebrews 12:2-3, The Message)

I’m going to press on, no matter what the cost. I’m going to focus on the prize to strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees. And I’ll trust God even if the water pulls me under.

How about you? Will you fix your eyes on Jesus too?

by Heather Gemmen Wilson

Ouch

I'm to sore to post. Painting for 12 hours will get you that way fast. But I have before and some after pictures coming soon!

Five Minute: Random Thoughts

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.


Go.

By the time I left work last night I had hit 40 hours for the week, and I'll likely be at work for 10 hours today. The OT is nice, but man am I exhausted. On top of the kitchen reno and the handing off of Washington Project meetings this girl sure could use a Saturday in bed watching movies.

Speaking of Saturdays, tomorrow there is a painting party at my house. We're painting every inch of the upstairs main rooms and hallway, including the ceiling. If you want to come that would be awesome. But I know most of you are far far away.

Uncle Rico has calmed the heck down. There was almost two whole days of no awkwardness then a little hiccup. I think he's just that socially awkward. It's kind of funny now that it's now killer-esque.

My cats are dusty. They keep rolling around in the dry wall dust and they feel all chalky. Don't tell them, but they're getting a bath when this weekend is over.

I am at the point of the kitchen renovation when I have to spend the money I've gotten quoted out to me. This means in the next week I'm writing checks that will add up to at least $7,000. :gulp:

Apparently there was an earthquake this week, I didn't feel it but the "outrage" on the internet is cracking me up.

Finally, I'm excited the kitchen reno is coming to a close. The walls will be painted, the tile in place and the cabinets go in next week. Then we have a 2 week waiting period for the counter top to go in and it will be done! I can't hardly wait.

What has your week been like?

Done.

Love & War & the Sea in Between

I've been having a love affair with Josh Garrels album Love & War & the Sea in Between for the last few days.
It's so moody, beautiful and hopeful despite it's moodiness.

You can get it for free by clicking the album link above or go to NoiseTrade and download it for free there.

So delicious. Probably the most I've loved any new album in a long time. Plus, it's FREE.

Truth Is...

"The truth is, the biggest sin issue right now, for me, is that I just don't believe God's promises are true for me."

This is what I said to a dear friend back in the early spring. We were at a conference together and I was just walloped over the head thanks to a speaker talking about volunteer burnout and taking time for you and God alone.
It's still mostly true.

I believe in a big God. A God that is huge but can make himself small enough to come into our lives and walk beside us in every moment with every thing. I believe that God will redeem the years that I fought him and that he will redeem the years I believed he saw only the value in me that I believed (and was told) I had.

Most days it's not clean, and most days it's not easy. But I push on and fake it until I make it sometimes.
Because I believe even when I don't.
I believe when it's messy and when it's hard, I believe when I hear him the least that He is still here, holding me in His ocean of grace. Even when I don't believe, I believe. Because I don't know what else to hold.

What else is there to hold really? People have failed me, I have failed me. Food has failed me, possessions have failed me, drinking has failed me. Encounters both casual and not so casual have all failed me because none of them were casual to my heart.

The truth is it's easier for me to believe that God loves you than that he loves me. I have been so utterly convinced of my wretchedness that I have lumped God in with those that tell me I am nothing to them with voice and deed.

The truth is, we're all wretches apart from the salvation of a God that loved us all so much he sent his Son to die for us. The truth is we're all in desperate face to the floor need of his ocean of grace.

So I'm repenting. I'm choosing to believe and I'm asking God to help my unbelief. His promises do not say that God sent his Son for everyone but me. They do not say that everyone is eligible for redemption and forgiveness but me. How selfish to even think that it would.

The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm realizing that not a lot of other people do either. I'm just a broken girl, asking forgiveness for the audacity to believe she was beyond the reach of God's promises and grace.

All will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot me.
Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot me
Oh Lord, Oh Lord
Oh Lord, Oh Lord
-Josh Garels Pilot Me

Uncle Rico: Part Deux

So Uncle Rico strikes again!
We got some ice cream treats at work today because of how crazy it has been. Twix, Snickers, Klondike Sandwiches, and Skinny Cow bars.
I walked around to everyone while I was on my lunch to ask if they wanted me to bring anything. People, even people ON THE PHONE with customers muted their phones and told me what they wanted.

I walked up to Uncle Rico, who was not on the phone, and asked him what he wanted. Instead of using his words he pantomimed milking a cow.
Now I assumed that meant Skinny Cow bar, which it did. But if you pause and pantomime milking a cow it can resemble another action which was NOT on the menu.

Later, I think I caught him taking a picture of me on his phone.

Nothing to see here folks, just documenting in case my instincts of KILLER KILLER KILLER are accurate

:walksawaywhistling:

Explanations

Sometimes when you tell someone a story and you're explaining why you picked the fake names you picked it's awkward.

Like this sentence:

Well I'm Judith Light, he's Dean Cain and then this other person who we weren't even talking about was Tony Danza.

Then laugh wildly.

Mix all that together and you'll have as awkward of a conversation as I just did.

With my boss.

Who's the Boss indeed.

Letting it Down

"I'm sorry I let you down. But you let me down too."
-Baby (Dirty Dancing)

I got a text about needing to chat. Over the course of the next few days I began to wonder, what had I done? Because my immediate belief is that I've done something wrong and I will be chastised.

Deafening silence happens and I think, what did I do? What action or inaction did I take to cause this to happen.

It all feels very selfish to me. As if I'm focusing so inward I can't see outward anymore.
But at the same time I'm realizing that the outward focus was founded in desperation to hide from something, something in me that I saw as being without value. Something I believed everyone else saw too.

I didn't know I could be valued for simply being alive. I didn't know how to look for that value in Christ and not men or women around me. I still don't get it entirely.

I also didn't know how to share the blame. Even though I can articulate to you that it's not all my fault, that statistically speaking it's impossible for all the blame to lay at my feet I believe that had I been more; more perfect, more demure, more deferential, more humerous...more, that people wouldn't have left. I believe that were I more I would know the answer to the great mysteries of life and relationship.

I'm learning to believe that everyone feels this way to some degree. That no one has it as together as the expectations I place on them and myself. Yet I push forward, aiming for perfection and dying inside when I inevitably miss.

So I'm making peace with having to look inward for a little while; to figure out and uproot the sin and the doubt that I find and then move outward so the serving, the friendship, the love that I offer to others can be deeper, more genuine and less chaotic.

I know that I have let people down. It's the way life goes. But I'm just now realizing that when they let me down I can name it and not assume that I am somehow to blame. It's terrifying really, but freeing just the same.

Five Minutes: Uncle Rico

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.

Go.
 
I'm training a new guy at work and this morning when we're sitting at my desk I look over and he is flexing his bicep over and over and staring at it. I burst out laughing because, really?
So I said, "What's up Uncle Rico?"
Then we moved on and made some Napoleon Dynamite references and quoted the movie for a bit.

This is not in and of itself awkward, mostly entertaining.
BUT THEN.....

About 4 hours later the new guy saunters up to my desk and says, "Speaking of my Uncle Rico moment, take a look at this"
He then holds out his iPhone and proceeds to show me a video of him WORKING OUT at his old job where they had a corporate wellness program. Awkward enough right?

BUT THEN....

The video moves to him do handstands against a wall and then doing push ups while standing on his hand. During which his shirt fell up over his head and exposed his extraordinarily hairy chest. Awkward enough?

BUT THEN...

He tells me that this was back when he was much more in shape than he is now and he starts doing that annoying guy thing where they rub their chest and belly with the flat of their hand and FLEXING some more!
Super awkward has been reached.

BUT THEN....

He says, "There's about 5-6 more minutes of this video if you want to see it all."
I replied, "Uh, no. I got the jist of it.

WTF new dude. WTF

Done

Paying

It never casually passes my lips. Even if it appears that way, it's never casual to me.
Each time feels like a small death in my heart.

I didn't know it would be our last conversation.
I didn't know it would be the last time I heard your voice.
Because I never imagined it could change. I never imagined it would end like it did in a dull pop and a ceasing of everything.

But it did.


Now I pay. When I say your name, when something happens that reminds me of you and a story we lived through side by side. When something funny happens and my heart leaps to tell you but I remember that you are gone.
Just gone.
Just like that.
Just as low key as you entered, you left.

Things change, I know this. But I didn't think that we would. Without my noticing, without realizing what was happening it was changed.
Part me, part you, part all the things unspoken and misunderstood.

Now I'm changed. Both less than and more without you. Finding my way one small death at a time to the other side, wondering what I could have changed had I known it would be our last conversation.

Just Wondering

Sometimes when someone mentions something to me, casually...seemingly out of the blue...I get immediately suspicious.
I wonder if they really mean it, I wonder if they'll actually follow through without me whining and asking when and how and why.

Just wondering tonight if that will ever go away.

Ten Things: Reno Edition

The upstairs renovation is chugging along. Here's a list, because I can:

1. Taking off the base board was fun. I figured it out all on my own. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it was for me.
2. Gertrude and Agnes are freaking out. I'm convinced they suspect we're moving again and they're defensively moving from place to place trying to hold down furniture so we don't have to move. That or they're afraid we're going to move into a hotel for a week again like when my hardwood floors were re-done. Either way, they're pretty pissy
3. Pete is a flippin Rockstar. He's done so much so well this entire renovation and I don't know how to tell him without it being annoying. 
4. The living room has been emptied in preparation for the drywall guys tomorrow, which means the Wii is in my room. Wiiiiiii indeed!
5. I really need to move my sofas and clean behind them waaaaaaay more often. There was enough cat hair back there to build 6 more cats
6. When we moved the stove we found 13 cat toys under it. 
7. When we moved the fridge we realized that there is a filter under it for the air system and it should be cleaned more often than once every almost 3 years. Yikes.
8. Breaking baseboard with my bare hands feet made me feel powerful. I was reveling in this new found power and immediately picked up an older piece that I couldn't break. booo
9. The pool was a smart purchase, it has been lovely through all this
10. T-minus 1 1/2 weeks until the kitchen has cabinets, but almost a month until it will have counter tops, sink and dishwasher. Like Pete said, I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it's not a train.

Five Minutes: Roomate

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.

Go.

I have a roommate named Pete. He's pretty awesome. He makes me dinner each night and has rewired my entire upstairs and tiled my master bath and is about to tile my kitchen. See. Awesome.
He also will hate this blog post.

We're sitting in the living room tonight as he prattles on about the electrical as if I understand what the heck he's even talking about (I mean he's ACTUALLY talking about electrical now and I'm typing about how I don't know what he's talking about and he has NO IDEA).

A few minutes before this post I sighed and lamented how I wished I had my water that was in the fridge. So dude got UP off of his chair and walked into the kitchen to get me my water. Then walked back to me and I said, "Hmmm, nope. That's not my water. It's my mom's and I just can't drink it." He walked BACK to the kitchen and got me another bottle and brought it to me.

I said, "You realize you're only encouraging me to keep asking you to do these things you know, right?"
He replied, "Yes. But this is why I've stopped cooking you dinner each night so you won't be too spoiled."

I'm thinking the reason he stopped cooking is because our kitchen has been demolished and has no cupboards or anything and our actual food is in the 3rd bedroom. But I'm not about to split hairs.

Besides, I have my water now so I have to go and drink that up.

Done.

Identity

Through this end season of leading Washington Project I'm feeling excited for the unknown that is to come and also a little scared. Because I find a lot of my identity in doing things for other people. If I am useful people like me. It's the belief that I have.
More and more I'm seeing the pattern of transition that God has me in, the pattern of transitioning my definition of identity from one found in others and tasks to one that is found solely at His feet.

I clung to a friendship, regardless of how often we spoke or how awkward things were starting to get I knew,

I was her FRIEND

I told stories of their antics and the sweet things that they would say to me and I knew,

I was their AUNT

I spoke of stories from the growing up years, of the small town living under their roof years and I knew,

I was their Daughter

I planned serves and led meeting. I told people Jesus loved them and I blushed appropriately when people commended the things I did through Washington Project and Outreach. I knew,

I was a Leader

I sent silly cards through the mail, I took dinners to new moms, I attended showers and small groups and showed up when they needed help, I knew,

I was a Volunteer

I scheduled nights out with friends and weekends away. I coordinated schedules with friends that were moms, wives or otherwise engaged with their own separate life. I ensure family time was filled and on schedule.
Because regardless of anything else that was going on in life it would come down to the identity I found in those relationships and tasks and I knew,

I was a Planner

I smoothed things over, I contorted my heart into shattered little shapes, I ensure that even with other people were losing their cool that I was calm and collected and available to pick up the pieces. I knew,

I was a Peacekeeper 

I mean, I'm no Job or anything, but little by little the things I identified myself with and by have been removed from my life, or at the least altered deeply. But there was still leading Washington Project. As the others identities lessened and I became more autonomous or less involved I was still the leader of Washington Project. It was for JESUS. Obviously it wasn't an identity that was BAD right?

Then a few months ago I started hearing, leading doesn't define you either.
I started hearing, even if you quit this you would still be complete and who I created you to be as my daughter.

But I still pressed forward.

Until one day, I heard God whisper, "this too. I'll take this too."
He didn't take it through the destruction of the ministry or through some great moral collapse of mine or another leaders. He just gently reached into my heart and told me it was time to walk away. To take a break. To be still and know that regardless of anything else in or around my life that HE was GOD.

There are still moments. When I ask Him if He's sure. If He's SURE that I'll be ok without a defined role. If He's SURE that people will still like me when I'm not doing anything for them. That people would still have things to talk about with me, that I would still be valuable to people.

Because I'm afraid I'm not.
I'm afraid I'm not valuable without reason to others.


Tonight I thought, you know what. I might not be.
I might not have value to others without a reason.


The lesson I hear God trying to tell me over and over again lately is that even if that's true it's fine. It is fine.


Because I am valued by Him


I am precious to Him

And so are you.

Friday Friday

Today is my Friday, and I have 3 days of work to do before I can come back home from work. So...see you on the flip side!

Some Days

Some days it's heavier.
Heavier to hold this wondering if I'll ever even out.
If I'll ever stop wondering when the other shoe will drop, when you will leave, when your lies (because I believe they exist) will come to light.

Some days it's harder to believe that it will all be ok and it will all work out in the end.

Some days I have to cling to hope and His promises so tightly I can't feel my heart anymore.

Because I believe this will all be redeemed. I believe that this will all be used for my good and His glory.
Some days I just need to remind myself a little more so I can swing my feet out of bed and face the day knowing my doubts will scream at me from the minute my eyes open until they finally shut again.

Conditional Grace

I've recently been added to a group on Facebook. There's a new rash of "You know you're from (or attended) :insertcityorschoolnamehere: if..." groups and I was added to the one from my High School.

Its been filled with posts about the ins and outs of attending said school as well as a lot of people that aren't my FB friends and who I was happy to mostly not have to speak to again.
It seems a little cliche to not enjoy the high school you attended, and it's not exactly that I didn't enjoy the high school that I attended or even the town I grew up in, really. I didn't mind it. But I also didn't like a lot of the people or things that happened there. Very typical small town and it's been interesting to see where people ended up and how people have changed, or in a lot of cases stayed the same.

Enter a sermon on judgement Sunday at church and it had me thinking a lot today about grace.


Because I am realizing more and more how I offer conditional grace.
I have a hard time letting people exit the boxes I remember them living in, the way I remember them being. Even though I loathe when that happens to me, when people don't let me evolve, change and mature I can't give everyone the same courtesy.

I'm learning how to walk the fine line between judgement and grace. I'm learning that just like with almost every other aspect in my life I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that either believes there is redemption for people even when I can't see the possibility, or they are un-redeemable. I'm also learning that sometimes there are appropriate and correct boundaries that must be set.
See, I have this idea that I should give my all to everyone. That I should try to make them happy and comfortable and help their lives be as wrinkle-free as possible.

The only problem with that is I end up feeling left out, forgotten or I ultimately (or immediately) end up sacrificing my values, beliefs or mental/emotional well-being in the process.
I'm learning that I can't do it anymore.

I just can't.

I'm learning that I shouldn't either. That just because there should be grace, and that should cover everyone it is not my job to make things ok for them. Sometimes, things need to not be ok for other people.

It's the root of a lot of tension in my life right now as I move forward trying to begin relationships with healthy boundaries and build healthier boundaries into the existing relationships in my life. It's taking a lot of energy to seek God's will for what he wants in and around my life and to say no and stick to it when there are people and things in my life that I just can't abide any longer.
Because I'm stuck in that tension of being a people pleaser, wanting people to like me and want me around. I'm seeing more often how destructive and detrimental that is when I choose keeping others happy and content over doing what is right for my heart.

Even typing it I feel incredibly selfish. I want to qualify it with all sorts of reasons and examples of why it's important. But I'm not.
It's important because it's what God's asking me to do right now, and I do in fact need to do it with grace; especially when it impacts others.
Ben was right on the spot Sunday when he said that for generations we've offered either the truth without grace or grace without the truth.

I'm learning how to balance them both in the only messy and broken way that I know how.

Five Minutes: Whole

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.


Go.

I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.

Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.

As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.

Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.

But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.

Done.

Red Flags

I don't trust myself.
My judgement, my decisions, I always think they're probably wrong.
Always.

So when a person comes into my life and I see all of these red flags going up I don't trust the boundaries that I want to set, because what if I'm wrong.
Others don't seem to have a problem with this person.
Others seem to think it's perfectly find to interact with them.

But the thought of hanging around this person makes my head scream

DON'T DO IT

I'm pretty sure I'm right. I don't know that I need to never be in the presence of this person, it would be pretty hard anyway because we're in the same circles, but I definitely think I need to be very VERY aware of the things I say to and around this person. I think that I need to speak the boundaries out loud to this person and hold the consequences in place when the boundaries are inevitably broken.

So I sought council, with my counselor even, and she agreed.

GIANT RED FLAGS

Lies and abuse of trust are very clear indicators that this person isn't trustworthy and isn't someone that I should be delving into a relationship with, especially right now. Because I'm re-assessing my relationships to pursue healthier ones and I'm working to do what's best for me emotionally and mentally I can't afford to deeply invest myself in someone that will be so draining and likely damaging to my forward motion.

But still I worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not looking hard enough for the good in people? What if I'm not giving this person a chance to show me who they really are? What if I lose other people because they don't understand my resistance to being involved with this person?

On healthier days I think, so what?
At some point I need to realize that I am the one that is ultimately responsible for guarding my heart. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for saying no, it's too much, I can't help carry you.

I had a healthier day yesterday, and it felt nice.

Reno Schmeno

The kitchen has been destroyed.
Contractors have been contracted, plumbers have been called and schedules made.
Now....I just have to survive.

But it's not going as bad as I thought it would be, I'm hesitant to say that because I'm afraid everything will fall apart.

Hopefully soon I'll have before pictures from my dad camera to show you guys, and then in a few short weeks I'll have after pictures too.

Stay tuned!

Wake Up

My mom had a brother named John, we called him Johnny.
He was sick a lot, there were some things wrong with him and he was also a short but rotund man. But he was Uncle Johnny. He died when I was 3ish.
The story goes that he slept a lot, because of the decreased amount of oxygen he was receiving. Whenever we would go over to the farm house and he was there he would be sleeping on the sofa.
I would take it upon myself to climb up his belly and pat him on the face telling him I had arrived and it was time to wake up and play with me. He would wake up and I would continue to climb all over him.

When he died I hear I was told that he fell asleep and woke up in heaven with Jesus. He would stay there forever. So when we went to his funeral and I saw him laying in his casket I believed he was asleep. There were also those little Catholic kneeling things in front of his casket.
So when I was unattended I wandered over to the casket and climbed up the "steps" and looked at him.
Yep, he looked asleep.
So I kept climbing and crawled into the casket and up his belly until I could reach his face. I put my hands on his face and I said, "Wake up Uncle Johnny, I'm here! It's time to get up and play with me!"

I don't know what happened next, that part of the story was never told. I can imagine that my Grandma, his mom was pretty upset as were a lot of the other adults. He was pretty young when he died.

I do remember asking my Grandma about it when I was 16. I was trying to find out more about Uncle Johnny and what he was like, since I didn't remember him that well. I only really remembered how I felt when I was around him. After a little bit of small talk I asked her if the funeral story was true.
She stopped talking for a moment and just looked at me with hard little eyes. Then she said, "Yes. I can't believe what a selfish and cruel girl you were to do that to me at my sons funeral. I will NEVER EVER forgive you for what you did."

As all memories and stories go I remember more about how I felt during each part of the story than the specifics. The story had been told and re-told so often that I honestly wasn't sure if it even happened. That's why these are memories, that are probably only partly true. But I remember the shame I felt. Because I believed her when she said I was selfish and cruel, I believed her when she said I was bad.
I believe that she never forgave me until the day she died. There was no reason to doubt a woman that held a grudge for over 70 years couldn't nurse one for over 15.

Good Things: July

July 1 Cleveland! Road Trip Dance Party complete with air xylephones!

July 2 Most relaxing day I've had in a long time, and pool time!

July 3 Nice time meeting friends of friends and lots of laughter at lunch...then....POOL TIME

July 4 It's nice to stay out of town, but it's lovely to come back. Sleeping in my own bed was my favorite

July 5 I bought a pool, ok...technically I bought 2, but one is being returned because of missing parts

July 6 First swim in the pool!

July 7 2nd swim in the pool!

July 8 Met with the next leaders of WP and kept hearing the phrase "for such a time as this" echoing in my heart. Love when God does that.

July 9 4 hours in the pool! Most of it with Sharen and the kids. The sunburn was totally worth it.

July 10 Pool time and chatting with Amber. I really like her a lot. Also, finished my bedroom and put it all back together!

July 11 Woke up after sleeping for almost 10 hours and I was still exhausted. I blame the sunburn

July 12 Started watching Friday Night Lights, already cried 3 times.

July 13 Speaking of crying, today was cry number 1 of the kitchen remodel (and it hasn't even started yet)

July 14 Harry Potter premier!

July 15 Harry Potter premier started at 12:01, so it counts for today too

July 16 Harry Potter a 2nd time and lounging at the dogsitting house

July 17 I actually got to sit in church today! Also, lunch with Sharen and Matthew

July 18 Washington Project meetings are my favorite. I wonder if they'll let me crash after I'm done...

July 19 Girlfriends Night Out!

July 20 I yelled at my therapist today, and she said she understood

July 21 I felt really lucky to be in an air conditioned house today

July 22 I came home and did nothing today, nothing but read and go to bed early

July 23 3 movies and a book were devoured today, it was lovely

July 24 Had a great Sunday nap

July 25 People asking about birthday plans reassures me they won't forget (because honestly I'm scared people will forget)

July 26 Birthday Eve!

July 27 Happy Birthday to me! 32, yeesh

July 28 Birthday hangover, LOTS to do at home and work. No rest for the weary

July 29 The calm before the remodel storm

July 30 Let the kitchen remodel begin!

July 31 $75 worth of stuff for $20 out of pocket at Charming Charlies!